For the Mama Who Lost Her Baby Through Abortion - Sarah Mae
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For the Mama Who Lost Her Baby Through Abortion

baby's hand

Perhaps you’ve read my story.

I am a mama who lost her first baby through abortion.

For the longest time I was numb, detached, from what I did. I considered my self pro-choice, I guess. I wasn’t passionate about it, but would have probably defended a woman’s “right to choose” since I chose.

Pro-life commercials made me uncomfortable, and being in the presence of little children made me sad.

My junior year of college my roommate had to babysit a little girl who must have been four or five. She had blonde hair, and was so sweet. After meeting her I went to my room and cried, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know where the emotions were coming from. It has taken me years to understand and unwind the emotions that were so bound up with my abortion. It touched so many areas of my being, yet I had no clue. Thankfully, by the grace of God and His gentle leading, I worked through my abortion with a kind counselor. Today, I can honestly say that I know what I chose was wrong, I’ve turned from my old ways of thinking, and my sin and the blood I allowed to be spilled is covered by the blood of Jesus.

I am forgiven. I have been set free.

But my spirit aches for the women who have lost a child or children through abortion, and keep the guilt concealed deep inside, sometimes not even knowing why they hurt. Why they wall up, or cry around little children; why they sleep around, or suffer from depression, or think that God is punishing them by not giving them more children. I have a message for those women.

I have a message for you, mama of the child you can’t hold.

Abortion has affected you, whether you know it or not. Your baby, the baby that was nourished from your body, was taken. You may have thought through your decision, or perhaps you were pressured or even forced into it. Whatever the circumstances, know this: there is a blood that covers the blood.

You don’t have to escape your feelings. I know how painful it is to “go there.” I know it’s easier to not deal with it. I also know that God redeems fully; you don’t have to be afraid. If you’ve not gone through a grieving process, if you’ve not received counseling, I plead with you to make yourself vulnerable enough to enter into the intricate, sensitive, emotional area of working through your abortion. It’s not easy to take the first step, and it’s really, really hard to go through abortion counseling. But it’s healing.

We were lied to. We were told that abortion was easy. Many of us who have had abortions know that our souls were scathed the day our baby was offered up to heaven before he or she had a chance to breathe in spring day, or dig her hands into a bowl of flour and feel the silk touch of it. Before they could run through a sprinkler, or dance, or have a first kiss. And now we must heal. Damage was done, and our soul needs to breathe free.

If you nestled a little one in your womb, you are a mama. You have a mama’s heart, even if you don’t know it.

I love you and I hurt with you. If you need prayer, leave a comment (it can be anonymous) and I’ll pray for you. If you want help finding a counselor, I’ll help you. If you just need to hear something that will offer you the final break to get help, then listen to this:

“It’s okay mommy, I’ll see you again one day!”

That’s what my little boy David, who is dancing with Jesus now, said to me in a dream that I know the Lord gave me.

Friend, you can be set free. And choosing freedom? That’s a choice you will never regret.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

Resource: Forbidden Grief – The Unspoken Pain of Abortion

Photo Credit: baby’s hand, by sorarium

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  • DB

    So there I was, browsing my facebook news feed when I stumbled across something that said “FREE.” I’ve been on a major freebie kick lately, and thought the free Frumps to Pumps e-book sounded like fun. So I clicked on it. Little did I know that something was about to reach way down deep, into the deepest part of my soul, and bring up something so precious and dear to me that I keep it hidden 95% of the time. I am a victim of abortion. I made that mistake when I was 21 years old, and, at the time, I wasn’t educated whatsoever on the significance of the decision I had made. I went through the abortion process and never gave it a second thought once it was all said and done. That is, until I grew old enough to finally realize exactly what it was that I had done… Until I got married and had children from a man that I loved and respected. You see, I chose abortion without a doubt because I was in a horrible relationship with someone whom I hated but couldn’t seem to break free from. That was my excuse to “get rid of it.” I never stopped to think about the baby and his or her future. I was only thinking about myself and my future. Now that I have two daughters who are alive and whom I am lucky enough to see and hug and kiss every day, I yearn for the baby that I had murdered. I grieve for him or her. For a long time, I kept these feelings locked away so deep inside of me that I never even knew they existed. Now as I get older, I keep finding these feelings surfacing and bringing me practically to my knees with grief, sadness, and longing for the baby I chose to never meet. I sat here and had myself a really good cry as I read this. I miss my baby I never met. My heart is broken and I don’t know how to heal. I know that my heavenly father has forgiven me and so I have been set free from that sin by the blood of Jesus. But I haven’t forgiven myself. And even if I could ever find a way to forgive myself, I will always long for my child that isn’t here. I had never thought about getting counseling for this, but it definitely is something to think about. Thank you for your post. I appreciate it more than you know. And I would love to take you up on that offer for prayer. Thanks, again.

    • http://thequeenmommy.com/ Debbie T

       DB – God is a specialist with the broken-hearted.  I struggled with my grief and loss for almost 20 years after my abortion, and while His healing was not “instantaneous” – it was sure.  I found that counseling and working through a post-abortion workbook was very helpful in my situation. 

      Abortion is a HUGE lie.  So “easy”.  So “convenient”.  One of the enemy’s favorite tools – deceive you into despair and brokenness.  But God is greater.  God is healing.  God is life.  And one day, He will be the one to greet you, holding the hand of your child as you are reunited.  I’m praying for you, too…

    • Robin M

       DB- I too made that awful decision when I was young to end my baby’s life.  Years later the Lord gave me a ministry to post-abortive women & men.  The comment I would hear the most was “I know the Lord has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself.”  We think that by forgiving ourselves, we are letting ourselves off the hook & saying what we did was inconsequential.  In reality, when we choose to not forgive ourselves, we are saying that what Jesus did on the cross wasn’t enough.  It also makes it impossible to be totally free to live our life serving Him.

      I would encourage you to find a local pregnancy center that is Christian and pro-life that offers abortion recovery bible studies.  I found my healing in leading a study called “Forgiven & Set Free.”  If you can’t find a group, you can order the study online.  It is life-changing!

      I will be praying for you also.

      • DB

        Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and prayer. I have been dealing with my struggle to forgive myself for my mistake. I am beginning to understand that by not forgiving myself I am in a sense saying that what Jesus did for me was not enough. But I believe that what Christ did truly was enough. That is the one thing that I feel will help me break free from this guilt and shame that I carry around on a daily basis. In browsing post abortion articles and websites, I read something today that really spoke to me. It said that worldly sorrow leads to death; Godly sorrow leads to life. I choose life. I can be sorry for what I did and accept God’s wholehearted forgiveness through Christ. I guess learning to forgive myself is a process, and it’s something I need to face head-on instead of continuing to keep these feelings hidden where I don’t have to deal with them.

  • http://thequeenmommy.com/the-blog Debbie T

    THANK YOU Sarah Mae for sharing this!!!  I love it – you wrote almost word for word what I would say!  I love the line “Abortion HAS affected you, whether you know it or not” because THAT is TRUTH!!!  Thanks for writing this.  

  • cc

    Sarah, Thank you. It has taken me 22 yrs to even be able to say I feel anything related to the abortion I had…and it is because of your articles and God’s amazing grace. My feelings were so deeply buried, I honestly thought I wad the only one who had gotten off unscathed. Wrong…I was just in horrible denial. Covered by the blood of the Lamb, my sins have been forgiven. thank you for helping me to be brave enough to go there.

  • Kerrie

    Love you for sharing something so personal to encourage others….Lord hear our prayers xx

  • Titus2fam

    OH so bold!  Beautiful message!

  • Linda

    I spent 25 years avoiding the issue…… then God started working on that door of my heart that had been padlocked shut.  he started placing women in my path who had experienced abortion, leading me to events that focused on His love for me, etc.  God broke through the padlocked door and set me free!  I had believed a lie that God could not possible love me as much as he loved others because of what I had done.  Once I was able to get rid of that lie, I was able to move on to healing.  I regret my decision but look forward to the day when I will meet my child in heaven.  I love the line ”
     my sin and the blood I allowed to be spilled is covered by the blood of Jesus.”  Hallelujah!  God is the healer of all our wounds……. Thank you Jesus!

  • JennMomof5

    Thank you for being courageous to share this truth.  My prayer has been that more and more mommas who have lost their baby through abortion would share their stories and shed light on the truth to those who might be considering the same path.  Thank you for being a voice for the hurting and exposing the fact that there is healing and freedom available through Jesus.

  • Des

    Very nicely done! Although I did not have an abortion….I ache for my friends with broken hearts. May they be comforted by your words!

  • TN

    Sarah, thank you for this word.  I welcome your prayers for my mom–she has had two abortions and (wrongfully) believes that she is therefore disqualified from God’s grace.  Women who have walked this path are hurting–deeply–and need grace, not pointing fingers and looks of disgust.  If this world thinks that Jesus will respond to their choices the way His followers sometimes do, they may believe His grace isn’t available for them.  Modeling mercy and grace  is a must for us who follow Jesus!

     Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah.  You are ministering to so many in so many ways!

  • MJ

    This is such a moving peace and you are so awesome for posting it and putting this out there for the world to see. God bless you amazingly and your family.

    I have had 2 abortions at a time I felt so similar to how you stated feeling. I’ve never spoken to anyone except my husband about it. I always worry in the back of my mind God can’t really love me because of this. I have had miscarriage since my abortions and felt it was God’s punishment because I can’t possibly deserve to be a mother again. I am happily and healthily pregnant and due any day now. I know Jesus has saved me and loves me but to know it isn’t always the same as to really feel it.

    Thank you so much for posting this.

  • Mitzi

    Sarah, thank you for sharing your story. Women need to see that it is okay to get help & that there is acceptance & encouragement among believers. His blood covers our shame & guilt from sins we have committed & sins inflicted on us. There is freedom! Through his mercy & love he redeems the worst of situations in His time for His Glory. Hear His gentle spirit say, “My child, there is nothing that can separate you from my love. I gave my life for you, because I love you. I’m here with you.”

  • Purposelyfrugal

    T hank you for sharing this! I pray God uses your story to help many many people!!

  • http://www.thewhatevergirls.com/ Erin Bishop

     

    I’m commenting
    from a unique perspective. But first, thank you for sharing your story. It’s so
    brave of you to share, and it’s so wonderful to see God’s overflow of grace and
    freedom. He is so, so good!

    This article struck a chord with me because yesterday as I picked my 8th grade
    daughter up from school she was pretty gloomy as she got in the car. I told her
    to sit down and we’d talk it out. She went on to tell me her Science classmate,
    a girl of 14, found out that very morning (yesterday) that she was pregnant.
    She is scared and lost. Her mom knows and says she supports her with whatever
    decision she makes. Even abortion. My sweet girl told her “You just can’t
    have an abortion. You have a real baby inside you.”

    I
    mentioned this girl’s situation to my pastor and his wife in a brief meeting
    yesterday and they know a pastor in a neighboring city that would love to
    adopt.   

    All this to say, I plan to print off your story and this article and ask my
    daughter to share it with her friend, along with the information about the
    pastor and his wife looking to adopt.   My prayer is your words will leap off the page
    into her heart and that she’ll know God’s love and know that He loves the baby
    inside her and that she’ll know that even though the baby was conceived through
    a 14 year old mommy, God has a plan for this baby and for this girls life.

    My favorite verse is Romans 8:28. And I want to thank you again for sharing
    your story, because this is a Romans 8:28 story unfolding right here. I haven’t
    had my morning coffee yet, so I just remembered something more to add. 🙂 Last
    night as I lay in bed before going to sleep I was praying for this little girl
    and the baby God is knitting together in her womb. I repeated Romans 8:28 in my
    mind until I fell asleep. “And we know that in all things God works for
    the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

    My own daughter will be 14 on Sunday. She was conceived when I was a rebellious
    21 year old. Her name is Grace. I say that because of Grace, I found grace.   I have a Romans 8:28 story, too.

     

    Bless you… 

    • http://www.everythingbeautiful-jimmielee.blogspot.com/ Jimmie Lee

      Wow! this made me cry, to be able to help this little girl (how scared she must be) to bring life into this world and to give that life to a family who so desperately wants this little being would be amazing! I pray that the lord speaks to this girls heart and helps to guide in the right direction whatever the right decision will be for her. I pray that it is adoption but overall i pray that she chooses life no matter where the grows up. Just amazing Our God is Amazing! 
      I had my first child at 16… 16! But I had an awesome family who helped me finish school and go on to college. It was hard! But I too found grace in my little ones life so young. He is 11 now and i just had a new baby a year ago.They are the perfect pair. God knows what he’s doing 🙂

      Praying for this situation even if i don’t know the outcome down here, i will one day up there 🙂

  • Brittanynicolemu

    So powerful and healing for so many. Thanks for sharing.

  • Brittanynicolemu

    I also shared this on the Women’s Care Center organization FB page that I am a member of the board on in hopes to reach others.

  • Goattrainer

    Thank you for writing this! My mom had an abortion nearly 40 years ago, and I have been witness to the pain that decision causes. It is said abortion kills one and wounds two. How true this is! As a mother myself, I can only immagine the courage it would take to seek help and healing post abortion. Thank you again, for writing this.

  • Rainpebble

    This is a well written and compassionate letter. Not many women are willing to admit they had an abortion.  Many women would never admit this, but would hid this fact forever. For many, guilt forces them to be angry at those who actively promote an infant child’s right to life.  
    I commend you for being courageous enough to be open about what has happenned in your life. May God bring healing to all  of you who find yourselves in this situation. 

  • ds

    Your words made me cry because they are the truth and I have not dealt with my abortion. I know Jesus covers my sins by His blood and I have asked for His forgiveness because I know what I did was very wrong, but I have pushed the shame and my feelings so far down inside me. I need to be set free and heal. Thank you for your words today.

  • anonymous

    oh how timely this post is. I was doing my bible study homework yesterday afternoon, and the question was “do you truly accept God’s forgiveness in your life,” and as I sat there and thought about it, I realized that I accepted God’s forgiveness immediately for my sins when I became a believer, but AS a believer, I am continually realizing sins that I committed, that at the time I didn’t believe were sins. 

    And my abortions (yes, plural) are part of that. At the time I chose to do them, I stood firm in the belief that it was my “choice” and I was keeping myself out of trouble at such a young age by “taking care” of the situations. I was selfish, yes, but life would be able to go on and I wouldn’t have to tell my parents, etc. 

    It wasn’t until I became a mother the “real way” by choice with a loving husband that it started to hit me that I valued “having a child,” but it was when I became a believer that God convicted me that life begins at conception and I had murdered His children. More than anything, this makes me feel like SUCH a sinner, sooo needing of a Saviour. I know I am forgiven, I know that He chose me before time even began, before I committed any of my sins, but it is a long, hard process to grieve through it all. But God makes beauty out of ashes, and I will someday see my lost children in Heaven. 

  • AA

     The pain grows as the awareness increases.  It was 7 days after my surprise sweet 16th party.

    28 years later, I understand the value of the life I let go.
    Every year I understand that more.

    God waited until I was in my 40s to introduce me to the man I would marry.  He knows my history and he wishes he could understand the pain.  He tries.  And, he listens.

    I won’t be having children at my age.  And, I ache deep inside.

    This Mother’s Day, I beg you all… choose your words carefully and prayerfully consider those who:

    1)  Were Mom’s and aren’t (for any number of reasons)
    2)  Long to be Mom’s and are still trying to no avail
    3)  Long to be Mom’s and can’t be.

    Sarah, thank you for your words.

    • guest

       or had an abusive mom who left them

  • Julia Anderson

    Thank you Erin and I am praying for you and your daughter, Grace. God will bless  YOU for sharing  His amazing love and the saving grace of His Son to this precious young mama.   GOD’s forgiveness is powerful.  

    How this young friend of your Grace’s will rely on your deep compassion and love.
    Thanks for being available and talking to your Pastor. MANY prayers are being offered up to our Jesus on your and her behave. And, already for that little one’s soul!
    He is a God of redemption and blessings!

    Thanks SarahMae!  And, Jimmie  Lee for your testimonies.  How deep the Father’s love for us!  

     Acts 14:22

  • Karollee

    March 1 was the 36th year since I aborted the only baby I would ever have. I was so sure that I did not want a baby that would tie me to THAT man for the rest of my life. I’m still tied by the memory. I knew that I was forgiven by a loving Savior, but it took years for me to forgive myself. There are times that I truly regret the decision as my only chance at being a Mommy, but the Lord has shown me how to be a fabulous Auntie to lots of wonderful children, who love me as much as I love them. Fortunately, our very loving God allowed me to meet the man that HE meant for me to be with, and when we discussed children, he thought that he was not meant to be a Daddy. We have the most child friendly house and yard, but all of our children go home with their parents at the end of the day, and I sit and reflect on the fact that He who died for my sins, forgave me long ago and has allowed dozens of children to come into my life, and I have the opportunity to love them all.

  • http://www.laurencasper.com/ Lauren

    BEAUTIFUL. God is the author of redemption. I cannot personally relate to you story as it is specific to abortion, BUT I can relate in that I know what it is to sin, to make a choice against the Lord’s will, to suffer the consequences, and then to one day repent and receive the grace of God. Thank you for sharing!

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for posting.  I also lost my first child through abortion.  Although I was much older than you and it was my decision (not forced), it still hurts sometimes.  Sometimes, I look at my 2 beautiful children I have now and wonder what my first child looks like.  I count back and calculate what age they would be now.  I know the Lord has forgiven me, and I hope my child has too when I finally get to meet them someday in heaven.  

  • Guest

    Reading this made me cry.  I had to relive a moment that I am not proud for and often wonder about. I am fully aware of what the decision I was and the “excuse” I used to make that decision 27 years ago.  Today I am a proud mommy of a 20 year old (normie) and a 9 year old  (au) .   I am so protective of these gifts and I praise God each day for the opportunity to be a mommy.  Until about 9 years ago I rode the fence on pro choice and pro life, I was considering doing it again, my life was in hell when i learned I was pregnant at almost 40, I went thinking I can do this, I’ve done this before i can live with this, and against their rules, they showed me an ultrasound – I sat in that room and cried out to God, help me, what am i doing, why am I here? what do i do?   The staff came in the room and I looked at them, wiped the tears, and said, i am leaving I can’t do this – and it is by the Grace of God that my AU angel is in my life today and I no longer ride the fence.   i’ve been blessed more than I ever deserve. 
    By His blood we are forgiven, praise God!

  • Lively4jesus

    GOD Bless you Sarah Mae…though i’m older we are kindred spirits who’ve found healing in The Blood of JESUS!!!!!!  And as king David said of his first Son w/Bathsheba, “i will go to him, but he cannot return to me.” These are sweet words of Hope that fill my heart.

  • BM

    Beautiful words you’ve shared, comforting and encouraging.  My heart also aches for those scarred by abortion.  Abortion has to be one of the saddest tragedies of all time.  

  • http://4ambassadorsofchrist.blogspot.com/ Jarmila V. Del Boccio

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us, Sarah! I will share this with others on FaceBook…blessings!
    MakingTheWriteConnections

  • Anonymous

    Your first words are “I am a mama who LOST her first baby through abortion.” I don’t intend to hurt anyone in any way, but that is not a true statement. Those of us who have suffered miscarriages where our bodies refuse to carry a baby to term, know what it is to LOSE a baby. An abortion is a choice to THROW AWAY a child that another mother longs for. I am glad that you have come to terms with this,  and that you know you are forgiven. But please don’t say you LOST a baby when that was your CHOICE. 

    • Monk_186

      It is still a loss. No need to attack her on such a sensitive subject.

      • Anonymous

        I had no desire to attack the writer. I just think she should be careful of the choice of words. I realize this is a sensitive subject. All the more reason to be sensitive to others!

        • Mcrae3223

          It’s still losing a child, not matter how it happens, choice or not. Have some sensitivity, good grief.

        • http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

          Friend, I understand where you’re coming from, and I harbor no ill-will towards your comment. I will say this, some women are forced to have an abortion, and for them, they lost a child, they did not choose. Love to you, friend.

          • Leesa

            I was forced in to my abortion, my mother was going to kick me out, I regret it, I would have been 5 months and I don’t like people saying that I killed my child because If I did I wouldn’t be upset I would’ve continued on with my life as if nothing had happened, but no I’m upset, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my baby

          • Joan Ngatia

            When it happened it all seemed so surreal.like a dream until I saw her leave.Ashley left and all she left me with was her cry and the memory of her kicks.coming to terms with the fact that I made her leave has been the biggest challenge of my life for the past three years.

        • Heartbroken

          I agree with you I don’t understand why the other ladies don’t.she chose to lose her baby so how can
          she call her self a mama

    • LL

      To be honest, my judgemental heart thought the same thing as I read the post because I lost my first baby at 5 months along. But I know that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, so we shouldn’t let our own hurt spill over into meanness towards anyone else. Don’t you know that she has struggled with those words you capitalized ever since this happened? Don’t you know that she is probably much harder on herself than you are on her? 
      Sarah thank you for your bravery to post something so honest. Until reading this post, I have had very little understanding or compassion for mothers with abortions. Thank you for changing my mind and softening my heart. 

      • Anonymous

        I did not mean to come across as judgemental. I do know Jesus does not condemn us when we ask his forgiveness. I’m sorry for any offense I have caused with my words. 

        • Anonjo

           I’m sorry but your comment is way out of line!This is sensitive enough to share so at least respect that whether you agree or not with the terminology.This is not about being politically correct but recognising the grace of our saviour Jesus Christ and weeping with those that weep and rejoicing with those that rejoice. Everyone has made mistakes in life so please show some respect.

          • Anonymous

            My comment had nothing to do with being politically correct. You say I am to recognize the grace of Jesus, and I do. Yes, he weeps for the mother and the child. My comment was in regard to the carelessness of the wording. I often think of the mothers who have had an abortion, and think of the joy they are missing by not having that child around. I don’t wish to add to their pain at all.

          • guest

             I think what you are saying is relevant. We have to call it what it is it is not different then saying you murdered someone then later saying I lost them. We must be careful with all sins whether lying, cursing, coveting, etc. we must call it what it is otherwise the seriousness of it will be lost. I don’t think it is insensitive as I have seen what happens to a child who grows up without a mother because she died during an abortion and what a woman goes through who has 7 abortions. The fact is we have to deal with it all without the gloves on. I am sorry if it isn’t the political correct thing to say or not. I love the post and I love what this person is saying. I was taught when I was dealing with being a pathological liar we can’t minimize anything we must say what it is in order to get better. On that basis I must say I see her as any other person a person who fell short of the glory of God who needed a savior and the amazing gifts ability to change someone. All sin is equal and therefore no one is better than anyone we are all the same. Sinners. God has no value system only we do.

    • anonymous

      As  mom of six healthy children…I have both lost and aborted.  Believe me, that many, many of us didn’t realize we could choose.  Sometimes the decision is made, the car ride taken, and the horrid job done.  Then your left alone with the results for the rest of your life.  Perhaps a little sensitivity to this ugly, hard situation is due.

      • http://nicolejeannette.com/ Nicole Jeannette Phillips

        This broke my heart.

    • Jesus Lover

      I have also lost a baby to miscarriage, and it does not offend me that this dear precious momma refers to her abortion as a loss. Have you read Sarah Mae’s abortion story? Where is your mercy? Where is your compassion? All I see are stones. Have you ever made a decision you have come to regret? At the timeof her abortion it may have been a decision, but once enlightened to the sin by God it most certainly is a loss.
      Only God reserves the right to judge.

    • Erin

      I would just like to suggest that maybe lost isn’t such a bad choice of wording. I think it is a very powerful and moving word that illustrates her new understanding. At the time, yes, she chose to give up her baby. BUT, she lost her baby to our culture. A culture that minimizes and trivializes life. She now realizes how precious that life was and must grieve her loss.

      We should be embracing the view that it was a loss because it is a step to understanding that it is life. It is a step toward change. A step toward a culture where we value the sanctity of life. For now, let’s love these women and grieve with them rather than judge them. Lets pray girls and women begin to realize it is a loss not merely a choice.

  • Crystal Balentine

    Thank you Sarah for sharing that story.  I too had an abortion at 15 years old and I still have not gotten over it.  I have 2 children now but I have had 3 miscarriages since the abortion and I also thought it was God’s way of punishing me.  I have to let it go and ask for forgiveness for killing my baby girl.  I have changed how I think of abortion since then and I am now pro-life.  I believe there are better ways to get out of this kind of bad situation.  Like adoption for instance.  There are so many loving couples that can’t have kids that would love to adopt. 

    You have helped me forgive myself and more importantly, ask God for forgiveness and now I have to do my best to forget.  Which will never fully work but I believe I can get to a place where it can let go of most of the guilt and anger towards myself. 

  • Ashley Ditto

    Beautiful testimony Sarah Mae. I cried. Thank you for speaking on this subject. 

  • guest

    this was not for me and not anyone that i know of but how precious of you to extend this compassion to anyone that has lost a baby to abortion.

  • None

    I don’t say any of this to be hateful. i just want to give a little different perspective. i am a 23 year old healthy happy woman. when i was 19 i found out i was pregnant with twins. i was in a terrible abusive relationship and i was working full time to put myself through college. i was not ready nor excited to be a mother. at my very first appointment they noticed some complications. to be blunt, i was given a choice. me or maybe making it to term and possibly giving birth before more than likelny dying. i was given a 25% chance of even surviving pregnancy. birth was basically impossible. so i made the choice to terminate it. there is not a day that i regret that decision or feel guilty for it. i’m not sad and i have an incredible life ahead of me. i don’t feel like i need to be forgiven.

    • DB

      I was 21 when I had my abortion. I felt the same way as you for several years following my abortion. In fact, when I got pregnant with my first daughter from my husband, I never hesitated to refer to that as my “first pregnancy.” It never even crossed my mind, most of the time, that I had, in fact, been pregnant before…that pregnancy just didn’t result in a living child because of the choice I made. I never would have thought that my decision would come back to haunt me the way it has with all of this sadness and grief. I honestly am grieving the loss of a child, and the worst part is knowing that I lost the child of my own free will.

    • Anonyomous

      Do you believe those little ones are in heaven? Do you ever look forward to seeing them one day?

      • Busbizness

        These babies are all in Heaven. Jesus said, Suffer the little children to come unto me. Children are guaranteed entrance to Heaven.

  • Amy@Diapeepees

    Oh my gosh, reading this and just crying. If only more people knew beforehand that an abortion is not meaningless. That it won’t just make a “problem” go away.  That it will create life-long emotional havoc. You are so wonderful to post your story, and perhaps give somebody another chance to make the right decision. Beautiful. Thanks so much.

  • Aneliz

    I just came home from watching October Baby and i read your post. The Lord definately wants to heal hears and bring forgiveness. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story.

  • audrey

    Thank you for this post.  I had an abortion when I was in college at 20 years old.  Shortly afterward I came to know the Lord. I think part of the pain of that experience drew me to God.  He helped me deal with the guilt, regret and pain.  I went through life ministry for forgiveness and healing.  I’m so thankful God placed me with a body of believers who understood what I needed.  Seven years afterward I married my husband.  I didn’t tell him about the abortion.  He had been a Christian most of his life and, though he knew I had a past,  I didn’t want to disappoint him.  I really struggled after my first child, David, was born.  I wasn’t prepared for the emotions I was feeling and the fear of “messing up” again.  My husband was clueless about how to help me.  My pastor, a very wise man, encouraged me to talk to my husband and tell him about the abortion.  It was God’s wisdom. I no longer felt I was hiding something huge from my husband and I had someone I could pray with about the struggles.  Nothing completely wipes away the emotions or thoughts of abortion.  I’ve learned to deal with it at different stages.  My husband is the pastor of our church.  And I see so many struggling, and often failing, in areas that the church world doesn’t address.  I would love to be able to really share my story as you have, Sarah, but I’m not comfortable doing that now.  Out of respect for my husband and family, I’ve not been forthcoming about my abortion.  But I feel that, as a pastor’s wife, it would be a way to show God’s amazing love and forgiveness.  I ask for prayers that I would have the wisdom and courage to share as the Lord leads.  Thank you.

    • anonymous

      Prayers for you. It seems that you are in a predicament of wanting to use your story to help others, but being held back because of your position as the pastor’s wife. Continue to pray for God’s wisdom and guidance. If he is calling you to use your experience to help teach other women the other side of abortion that the “professionals” don’t warn you about beforehand, what a great way to use your experience for God’s glory. I have been in school pursuing my worldly dream career for the past 4 1/2 years. Lately, I’ve been feeling pulled in other directions. As I keep praying for God’s guidance and for His will to be done in my life, I am feeling called towards helping other women who might be considering abortion as a viable option. I feel an obligation to my unborn child to not let what happened to him/her be in vain. May we all find a way to honor our unborn children in a way that is pleasing to our Lord.

      • Audrey

        Thank you so much for prayers.  I will also remember you as you search for God’s plan for your life.   God has a good plan for you.  “Oh, how He loves us.”

  • http://impressyourkids.com ohamanda {impress your kids}

    ” there is a blood that covers the blood.”

    So so good, SarahMae. Beautiful beautiful encouragement. Thank you for sharing your story and your healing!

  • God’s child

    Thank you for sharing your testimony…..very touching.  I love how God works His forgivness…and I love how He gave you a dream to give you hope of seeing your child someday!  What an awesome, forgiving God we serve.

  • http://jordaninaz.blogspot.com jordy

    I recently saw October Baby and it touches on just what you said. It’s moving and so well-done. Thank you for your honest words.

  • Thomaspiott

    HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!!

  • http://www.clearlyliving.blogspot.com/ Laura

    This was bold and gentle and courageous – bless you!

  • Stacey

    Its so rude to condemn this women. There is no condemnation in Christ, so I wish people would not do that to her. She had probably had to forgive herself, theres probably more that shes not saying, dont TRY to make her feel bad on purpose cause thats just ugly

  • http://www.astoryofgrace.com/ Janelle

    Oh sweet Sarah Mae, how your words stirred my heart with love.

    Janelle
    A Story of Grace

  • Anon

    God is so merciful and i am so touched by your story.Thank you for glorifying God and letting Him use you in a profound way.
    There is hope in the glorious gospel.

     John 8:36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, you shall be free indeed
    God Bless

  • ls

    It has been 18 months since my abortion.  There is not a day that goes by that I donot ache for my child.  I am blessed with 2 children and thank God for them.  I do struggle with my decision.  I cant say that it was the wrong or right decision .  All I can do is hope and pray that I am forgiven and someday hopefully beable to forgive myself for my selffish decision.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Erin-Ruhl-Lamoreaux/100000307118080 Erin Ruhl Lamoreaux

    I am the Director of a post-abortion healing ministry and know too well the pain that women experience after having an abortion, I’ve had 3…
    Please seek help, you can get through this and being set free enabled the Lord to work through me and now I am helping to set other women free as well!
    Taking the first step is the hardest,if you reach out we will take your hand. facebook.com/DeeperStill.LancCo

  • Elizabeth

    Sarah I read this last year on Mother’s Day and I read it ok this Mother’s Day . It doesn’t get any easier but just reading those words of hope from your baby and my babies is just what I need to be able to breathe on this difficult day . Thank you for sharing .

  • Sarah H.

    My daughter said the same thing to me in a vision God gave me. i love that He comforts the brokenhearted. great post.

  • http://nicolejeannette.com/ Nicole Jeannette Phillips

    This is so beautiful. Seriously. I really appreciate you writing this!

  • Lanette Haskins

    Sarah Mae your words resonate with me as I too have suffered this incredible loss, and lived with the incredible shame and guilt for so many years. I attended a retreat a few years ago called Deeper Still (even though at that point I felt I had already been forgiven and was completely healed) and experienced the freedom that you spoke about above and now I believe that God wants to use me to bring His light to others who are still living in the darkness of deep regret, shame and guilt.
    I’m the Assistant Publicist for Revell (a division of Baker) and will be attending Allume this year (I’ll be working at our booth) I hope to meet you and possibly share a little more with you there but I want you to know that reading your story encouraged me to write about mine. I started a blog in March and have written about things that were near to my heart but this, this is much deeper, much harder and I’m not sure what others may think but I hope that my voice will help other women just like your voice has helped me and so many others!
    God bless and see you soon!

  • Anonymous

    I am going through an abortion tomorrow and screw you people who say it is our fault for choosing this. Until you have been in my exact place at this exact moment; you have no idea and shame on you for judging. This will haunt me for the rest of my life; but I will not bring a child into a world where it’s father refuses to stick around and it’s grandmother says she will have nothing to do with it even though she already has 4 grandkids. As much love as I can give this child; it will never fill the void of knowing it’s father chose not to be around and it’s grandmother deliberately ignores it while loving on the other grandkids.

    • Lanette Haskins

      I wish I would have seen this sooner, unfortunately it’s been 19 days and I can only assume that you’ve gone through with aborting your baby and so my heart breaks for you. I know all too well the pain of that choice and if I could take it back I would. I would also encourage you that while I understand being alone, without support of the baby’s father and of my parents at the time, there are other options. So many loving people so desperately want to be parents and would love to give a baby (any baby) a forever home. If it’s not to late in your case, I pray that you would consider this option. You may not be able to give your baby the love of their father or grandmother but you have the power to give your baby the gift of LIFE. What an incredible sacrifice. And even though your baby’s earthly father doesn’t offer his love to your child, your baby’s Heavenly Father LOVES him or her (and you) enough to die for you both!
      If it’s too late then I would encourage with this…Jesus died to cover ALL of our sins, and HIS blood is ENOUGH to cover the blood we’ve shed.
      Please check out this website
      http://bravelove.org/
      I don’t know your name but God does, and I’m praying for you, lifting you up to Him.
      God bless you.
      Lanette

    • Guest

      Killing a baby because he/her father and grandmother will not love it is ridiculous. What about the love you could give it? You had abortion for you, not the child.

  • JANE

    Am a girl of 29 year old but I had abortion just a week today and after it may whole life is not the same again and will never be the same again but am in need of my aborted child forgiveness and I refer the child as adorable. it makes me wonder will ever be free again. BABY YOUR MUM IS VERY SORRY FOR NOT PUTING UP A FIGHT FOR YOU. PLS FORGIVE ME MY ADORABLE.

  • Anonymous

    I just want to thank you for making this post. I have never once been in this circumstance, but know many who have, and many who would also make the mistake of aborting a child with the false idea that it wouldn’t affect them in any way. I thank you for being open and honest about such a sensitive topic and encouraging those who have gone through it, or are considering it, to seek help and reconsider.

  • Ariana

    Please pray for me. My name is Ariana and I am 16 years old.. I was 15 when I got pregnant and commited this terrible sin. To this day I still hurt every day. It was supposed to be easy I thought. Everyone kept telling me I would be judged and treated differently in society. My own mother was the one who pressured me into it. I want to forgive her and myself on day. So PLEASE pray for me

  • Anita Davies-Bagnall

    Thank you and Amen! I’m a Mama too and look forward to seeing my precious girl in Heaven one day, thanks to Jesus coming into my life and providing me with His Salvation! God bless you my sister and God bless your David! <3

  • Anonymous

    Thank you so much for writing this–so glad I discovered this article even though it wasn’t written recently! I got an abortion a year ago and am in therapy now trying to cope with the loss, pain, and guilt. My heart breaks for you and for anyone that has experienced a termination. I think about my child every day and am slowly learning ways in which I can come to terms with the loss. In fact, I wrote an article about what I went through in hopes of connecting with others that share a similar pain: http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2014/11/the-moment-you-realize-youre-responsible-for-another-life-and-the-moment-you-have-to-give-it-up/

  • anonymous

    I grieved the loss of a pregnancy that ended when I had an abortion at 17. I felt pressured and it was a difficult decision. Not a lot of women who have had abortions share their stories or acknowledge their complex feelings going through it. I admire you for that. I will always passionately fight for a woman’s right to choose and trust women to make decisions about their bodies they will be able to live with for the rest of their lives. It was a sad experience, but I’m grateful to have been given a second chance. A chance to go to college and break the cycle of poverty in my family. A chance to not be tied to an abusive partner and marry the perfect man for me. And most importantly, a chance to be a good mom to two amazing children who would not have been born had I kept that first pregnancy. My 1st child was unplanned and has health issues, but abortion never even crossed my mind because I had the means to take care of a child. I regret my first unplanned pregnancy, but I do not regret having an abortion. It was the most responsible thing I could have done in that situation.

  • b

    I’m sorry, but it’s not a loss if you chose to have it aborted. Not being insensitive, I’m being realistic

  • ELIZABETH-ANNE BUONAGURA

    As I lay on this bed at age 55, my thought turn to the scared 22 year old college girl I once was finding out I was pregnant and further along as the first few tests kept coming back negative. A year later I screwed up again and had another once, after my mother threatened to throw me down the stairs if I did not have an abortion. For years I felt nothing but relief that I got myself out of a really nasty situation twice, but now, I miss two children that I never met or ever got to hold, talk to or see.

    They would be 33 and 32 now, and I have a terrible ache in my heart that I so wish they were alive, and not with with me, as I couldn’t take care of myself then and not even now do I do it successfully, which is why I am on SS dis, but rather that they were alive anyplace on the planet, being loved, living their lives and knowing happiness.

    I hope their souls are happy. I miss them so much right now.

  • An

    I need a prayer and abortion council

  • jack

    i miss my baby . i think it would have been a boy and i screwed that up . im sooo sorry . i just dont think i was going to be ok . i just lost my job and it was a bad year in all and i didn’t see any light coming any time soon. i pray god forgives me and blesses me with another boy in the future…

    -j.s

  • Anonymous

    Still to this day i can’t believe i was forced to abort my baby. I have to hide it way down inside of me never for anyone to know I’ve been told. Please pray for my healing.

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