How Not Giving My Husband Authority Over Who I Am Makes Our Marriage Better

Feb 202013

“For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.” Hebrews 10:14

I have a good man.

Oh, we’ve had our share of flip-outs, walk-outs, and tear-filled nights, and we’ve wondered, “can we make it?”. But we’re in this thing for the long haul.

One night, when I wasn’t so sure that I would make it for the “long haul”, I sat in my car crying, telling my sister-in-law that I couldn’t make my husband happy. I told her that he wished he had another wife, one who was good at cleaning and being organized and being disciplined, and that I just couldn’t live up to it. I hated the way I was, but I felt like I couldn’t change. She asked me if my husband had ever said he wanted another wife. “No, he’s never said it, but I know he would.” I believed he would. I believed he thought I wasn’t good enough, and I wore those thoughts, and it wore me down. She said, “Sarah, no one has the authority to tell you who you are, only God has that authority; only God sits on the throne. Not you, or anyone, or even your husband has the authority to tell you who you are.”

And with those words, my life and my marriage were dramatically changed.

Only God has the authority to tell you who you are.

I stopped giving my husband authority over who I am. Rather, I stopped believing my own false perceptions (he never asked or wanted to be responsible for how I perceived myself to be!).

If he gets mad at me for not cleaning enough, or not doing X,Y, and Z enough, I don’t wear it. What I mean is, I hear him, I respect him, but any perceptions that I’m not good enough because I’m not doing something or other enough is not something I let invade me.

Do not mistake me here. I love my husband, respect him, and value his opinions; I want to please him. Also, this is a two-way street. When I’m mad at him for something, any perceptions that he has that I think he is not good enough he doesn’t need to wear.

I am confident in who God says I am (and who He says my husband is), and He says I am perfect (complete) according to heaven. He says I am worthy of being delighted in and danced over, and that I am pleasing and holy and righteous right now, on my good days and and on my worse days (as John Lynch says).

The healthiest thing I’ve done in my marriage is believe God.

And our marriage is better for it, and it’s good, and it’s strong (not easy, strong).

Oh, and by the way, he never did want another wife, I was believing a lie. He has banned me from doing his laundry, but he loves me.

What is one thing that has helped make your marriage a healthy one?

My husband started reading this book and it began to change the way he thought about our marriage. After reading it, he sat down with me and began to really talk with me and ask me questions and he wanted honest answers and he was gentle and willing to listen to my concerns/struggles/issues with our marriage. Reading Beyond Ordinary has helped us tremendously (even though neither of us have had affairs) and has strengthened us and encouraged us. If you can, pick up a copy and read it with your spouse, or read it alone, but read it.

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Posted on:February 20, 2013 Marriage Add comments

Laurie

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I don’t really know how to implement this, but this is my life. My husband saying things about how I do things. It is my fault the kids do the naughty things they do and my fault that he doesn’t do what he should. At least, as you, that is what I perceive he is communicating to me. How do you get over that?

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

You don’t get over it, because it hurts, but you do stop wearing it. You start believing in who God says you are and you let that be enough. It takes time and practice to do this, but memorize Hebrews 10:14 to start.

Anonymous

Your husband is never supposed to submit to you, biblically. He is commanded to love you, but not submit.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

We are to submit to each other out of reverence to Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Hannah

When we read Ephesians, we recall that it never was split up by verses. It is the modern mindset in us that seperates out one verse andkeeps it exclusive from the others. So when reading verse 21 we can safely follow it with verse 22 and know that they aren’t verses in competition w each other. Paul introduces the topic of submission similar to the way we begin an paragraph with an introductory sentance before delving further in. Why? Because marriage is an earthly model for the relationship between Christ’s marriage to the church. If we set this remembrance aside then and only then does it seem fitting to call our husbands to submit to us. Submission is not slavery or loss of identity in Christ. It is not giving the value of my identity in Christ over to my husband. It is quite a beautiful demonstration of love. We have got to tread carefully in our application and exegesis of scripture, no?
Letting culture, a spouse, or anyone but Christ define our value is a no-win situation for sure.
Hannah

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Hi Hannah, yes, I was putting that reference in direct response to the comment that our husbands are “never” to submit to their wives – that is untrue. We submit to each other, and yes, I believe the wife is to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. I took that portion out of this post because I didn’t want to get into any debates here.

Deborah (Debbie)

Wise Lady

Debbie

I do believe that we are to submit to our husbands but this is a voluntary submission that is an act of faith in God (not our husbands who, in case we didn’t know it are not God — I probably didn’t have to mention that last point ). You are spot on in saying that it is not submission to an identity our husbands assign us — our identity is in Christ and is who He says we are in him. (By the way, this whole submission thing — again it is about faith in God who leads and works in our life and our husband’s and our husband’s are to love us as Christ loved the church, and they are to submit to Christ AND if they are smart in they will note the Ephesian’s passage which indicates clearly that their leadership in the marriage involves respecting, honoring, considering us and mutual submission — only in Christ is this kind of thing possible!)

Amy Hall

Thanks so much for this article. It only confirms what I’ve felt the Lord teaching me over this last year. I have to look to Christ for my needs to be met. My husband is human and can’t fulfill all my needs….he would fail miserably and feel so much weight on his shoulders. Yes, he is to love and provide, but he can’t be my “answer” to everything. Only Jesus is perfect and can fill that spot in my heart.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Yes, and the same goes for him with you!

http://twitter.com/afterthechapel Jennifer Seger

This is so timely and spirit-filled. Thank you for your witness. I think this a great conversation starter with my husband to let him know how I have been feeling. I think I’ll send it to him.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Praying for you friend.

Rosann

Funny, I don’t have this problem with my husband or in our marriage, but I do have this problem in all other relationships. Always comparing myself to others and feeling consistently inadequate is emotionally crippling at times. This is something God is really working on my heart to change this year. And oddly because I know He’s working to change the way I think of myself, I’m noticing more BIG comparisons happening and more BIG circumstances to feel inadequate presenting themselves. What I’m learning is this low self-worth issue is rooted from childhood and it’s not an easy, overnight fix. But then again, I know better than to put limitations on God’s power over me.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

So true, this is beyond marriage. And no, those childhood roots go deep, but God’s power is deeper – keep on!

Tara

thank you! I needed to hear this as well. I also struggle with HOW to do this, but I will start by memorizing Hebrews 10:14 as you suggested to Laurie!

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

And ask God to make it real to you.

Lizzie

Thank you for this. I still remember the early days of my marriage, when I had read so many “how to be married” books that I felt I had failed as a human if my husband complained about anything. Within my own mind I had made my “failures” so important that one day he walked in and made some comment about the dishes in the sink, and I started shaking in fear because I’d failed him. (Understand, my husband is one of the most gentle men I know. I was not afraid of him, yet his slightest disapproval could destroy me because of my own expectations.) He had absolutely no idea what he had done to illicit such a reaction. It was him, my wonderful husband, who first pointed my freedom and completeness out to me. That he was only human, and that I didn’t need him to be happy with everything I did. I learned that I had to set me husband free to be human. To have bad days, to gripe and complain from time to time. As his wife, part of honoring him was giving him that freedom without allowing it to crush me. He didn’t WANT his opinions to redefine me: he just wanted to have opinions.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

“He didn’t WANT his opinions to redefine me: he just wanted to have opinions.” So good! Thank you for sharing your story!

Amy

Right on time. Thank you for the encouragement

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

So glad, and you’re welcome!

http://www.DailyCupOfGrace.com/ Mandy Hoffman

I agree with you Sarah Mae that we are to submit to one another..but it’s another way of helping us understand that we are to think of each other as more important than ourselves…in marriage relationships and in any relationship. But inside marriage we, the wives, are still to submit to our husbands in a functional way. Yes, he is to lead with love. But we can only take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, and words. And while we bear the identity of Christ, if we have a personal relationship with Him, we are still not functioning perfectly this side of heaven. What I am trying to say is, be careful that you don’t shove Ephesians 5:22 under the carpet in preference for verse 21. They BOTH are real…they both need to be fleshed out in our lives through the grace of God.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

I agree. I took that portion out because I didn’t want to confuse anyone with what I was saying.

Deb

Thank you for this post, Sarah. It’s just the reminder I need (every 10 minutes)!

My husband is a loving, though reserved Dutch man who doesn’t like to talk about
“feelings” or anything uncomfortable or [especially] confrontational (he says it’s a Dutch thing). I was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY – of Italian descent (long line of talkers), I over-analyze everything and have an intense need to be heard and understood.

When my husband doesn’t talk, I kinda ‘talk’ for him. His silence just amplifies my
deep-rooted self criticism and I believe the negative comments I’m SURE he “must
be thinking” — but he never said. And then I behave accordingly, which is never good.

The Lord has been impressing upon me that HE should be my everything, not my husband. When I get that fearful feeling that my marriage may be jeopardy, I repeat this sentence in my head: “Trust God, not [my husband’s name]“.
And I’ll be adding my own name the next time I say it.
Kristina Peterson

I had that same “duh” moment. And it turned my marriage around. Then several years later I was ready to leave. I didn’t know if I loved him anymore because I focused so much on what he didn’t do, that I didn’t see what he did do. I am more in love now then when we were married. I believe that I can be that old lady with the perfect seeming marriage.
OneBlessedLady

As I read through all of these comments, I’m so touched with all the women (including you, Sarah Mae) who have been transparent and shared their hearts here.
I started marriage being petrified of disappointing my husband in some way. Copious amounts of tears were wept. After years (yes, years) of coming back to this over and over again, discussing this with my husband, I realized that my husband loves me for who God created me to be, faults and all, and it is a joy to him (hubs) to watch how God is growing me up. I joyfully submit to my husband, because I know he treasures my heart and wants to protect and bless his family.
As far as what we do for our marriage, besides pray, we FLIRT!! In fact, I’m so passionate about flirting w/ my hubs that I wrote a blog post about this on V Day and we’ve been invited to speak to the couples in our homeschool group tomorrow night about marriage. My favorite topic we’ll be speaking on? Flirting.
http://diannaauton.com/ Dianna Auton

One of the things my husband and I did was when we got angry we used to threaten the “d” word (you know …. divorce). One day it really kind of dawned on us both that by doing that we were really trying to manipulate the other to do what we wanted. So we decided that we truly were in this for the long haul (not that its easy) but we would eliminate that as a possibility in our life and in our words. When we did that we started working things out better and even though there are still rough times and arguments we try to work harder at helping each other and not trying to manipulate each other into being the person we think each other should be. It has completely changed how we “argue”.
Mindi

I’m currently reading “For Women Only: What You Need To Know About the Inner Lives of Men” by Shaunti Feldhahn – and it is so enlightening! It’s all about understanding what goes on inside the mind’s of men which then affects what they say and do – and the book is written with biblical understanding. Check it out – it is amazing!

http://sheppsnsk.org/blog/category/kims-prayer/ kjshepp

Mindi, I use this book (for women only) many many times, and everytime I give a talk to young women on purity/integrity. they are shocked with the information, it’s totally new thinking for them! it’s a great resource!

http://twitter.com/StudioJewel lisa lehmann

{{thank you }}}
http://twitter.com/kristinhtaylor Kristin Hill Taylor

This is so good. Thanks for sharing your heart on this important topic. I recently read “Beyond Ordinary” and LOVED it. The wisdom in that book certainly goes beyond marriages and I’m still trying to soak it up.
http://www.facebook.com/crystal.spencer.79 Crystal Spencer

Good morning! I really enjoy your blog and your book. I want to nuance my comments here that I mean them in love as a fellow believer. But I feel I need to reprove you about your last post, in that I think you need to rewrite it in more detail to convey your full meaning. As it is written, I believe it disrespects your husband. I understand what your saying that God loves us because he sees us through the blood of Christ, BUT we are indeed not perfect, and we can not be this side of glory. Of course our husbands do not tell us who we are, but you can’t leave it at that in regard to the authority he is given over you. We submit and do all we can through grace to be a helper suitable to him, no matter what our insecurities and certain failures, but we don’t use that as an excuse to not keep trying to please our husbands. My husband chose to help with the ironing because he loves me and sees how weighed down I am homeschooling and raising 4 girls, not because I am actually unable, I.e. Proverbs 31 woman and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Any troubles I have with these negative feelings is from depression and the Enemy telling me lies, not because of my husband. I think we need to hear how you honor your husband. I recommend to anyone interested the book, “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace.

Together in Christ,
Crystal

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Thank you Crystal, I receive your words in the spirit you offer them. I’ll talk to my husband about it (he has read the post, btw) and find out if he feels disrespected.
Charley Me

I think the initial wording of the title does leave us confused but as you continue to read it’s apparent that Sarah is conveying that no matter what negative view our husband’s may have of us, that we are not to let that define who we are in Christ. In some cases these views may be totally founded (as in my case) but in other’s, it may be from the mean and critical heart of the husband. Whatever the case, it is Christ who “labels” us and if we can delight in how “beloved” we are by Him, then we can rise above any negative views our husband’s or anyone else has of us.

Meg

I also have this problem. My hubby’s criticisms cut me to the bone. I want to be a good wife but I seem to fall so short in his eyes. I have told him that I feel like I will never be good enough. Good to know I am not the only one who feels this way and that there is hope that I can get over these feelings.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Sometimes we have to discern if it’s our perceptions or reality. With me, my perceptions were a lie.
Praying for you!
http://twitter.com/crystalina0814 Christina Sommers

Meg, I am in the same boat as you. When my husband is angry with me- for not keeping up with the house, for spending too much money, etc- his anger turns into criticism, and I take it to heart, very to heart. I have allowed those words, spoken out of human anger, to take so much room in my heart, that I have spent the past 8 years of my marriage trying to live up to those remarks. I would feel like, I kept a perfect house all week, and now he is mad about XYZ and he says no positive about noticing the house. It was a cycle that wasn’t ending. I would then take the next week and wonder, doesn’t he notice how much money I saved and how little I spent? I am just now realizing that he is human, and he is venting his stress and frustration. After he vents, he doesn’t think of it any longer- while me on the other hand, I dwell on it day in and day out. I now respectfully respond to him with, ” I am sorry things are not going well for you lately. Is it really the home you are stressed about, or is something else bothering you?” It then opens up a caring and loving conversation that takes a completely different avenue than it had before. I know that I am imperfect, and after years of trying, I now know that I am imperfectly perfect for my husband and I can extend the same grace to my husband and Jesus extends to me. I also try to walk in his shoes, I tend to have the memory of an elephant and rehash wrong doings from months, if not years ago- that is not love either. When I started focusing on Jesus and His will for me, His grace, and pleasing Him- not on my perfectly imperfect husband- respecting my husband has become so much easier- not easy, just easier. I have to lay my sinful ways and my marriage at the foot of the cross daily and trust in Jesus. I will be praying for your broken heart, friend. I have been there, and I am still there some days. That is not a way to live. Jesus does not make mistakes and he did not make one when he created YOU. Be who He wants you to be and the rest will fall into place! Sending a hug!

Charley Me

It’s true that we can only be free when we allow God to define who we are but it sure feels great when your husband affirms who you are to him, and how important you are in your family, even with all your faults. All of this comes with open hearts and honest conversation (if you’ve been blessed with a husband who can give you that, if not, pray for it). There have been so many times in my marriage that I’ve been so tired of discussing the same things over and over, but if I let it slide I can be sure my husband won’t bring it up and my heart grows cold. We have to be calm and honest with what we’re feeling about our marriage and about ourselves and most husbands will respond with gentleness.
http://www.emergingmummy.com/ Sarah Bessey

Good word, Sarah.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Sarah, you commenting on my blog is kind of like someone surprising me with a salted caramel mocha. Thank you.

http://bohemianbowmans.com/ Jessica

I am JUST finally getting to this place. After nearly 13 years. Yeesh.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

But friend, you’re getting there. Hallelujah.

http://www.natashametzler.com/ Natasha Metzler

This made me smile.
http://www.facebook.com/noel.mcneil.5 Noël McNeil

This was great Sarah!
busyhsmom3

Wow. You perfectly described me, when you were describing how you used to feel. I’ve been feeling so inadequate as a wife and I feel like I can’t change, or at least I can’t change fast enough. This blog is really making me think about things. I think I’ll be praying about this and re-reading it a lot! Thank you for the post!
http://www.thewarriorwives.com/ Elizabeth @ Warrior Wives

“The healthiest thing I’ve done in my marriage is believe God.” Amen!

I’ve got Beyond Ordinary sitting on my bookshelf to read but I haven’t gotten around to it…glad to hear it was helpful!
Kim Laminen

My life Verse Heb 10:14, Thanks for using it in this context, A perfect fit. God’s word is perfect in every situation. Blessings
Deborah (Debbie)

Sarah Mae…you got us at the title Here’s what I want to say to you, you sweet lady. I have read over a number of the comments and I have to say you are an example and although I am ahem “older” than you, as I am contemplating beginning a blog I have learned something incredibly valuable here: how to respond with grace and truth and gentleness and wisdom to responses on what could be a “thorny” issue. I thank you! You are a delight and were a role model for me here today.

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

You are generous with kindess. Thank you.

http://www.bumbersbumblings.com/ Amber

Really needed to read this today! Thanks, Sarah!
Jill Howard

As an older woman, I can say this —Sarah Mae, you are wiser than your years. I never thought to look at this the way you present it. And just for the record, I don’t think you meant this to be an all-inclusive treatise on the subject of marital submission. You blessed me today. Thank you for writing something I really needed!

http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

Thank you, Jill. I feel lost in it all so much of the time…most of the time. Thanks for your kind words today.

Warren Baldwin

Great post. I couldn’t get comments to open before so I sent you an email. Hope you received it.
Warren
http://www.warrenbaldwin.blogspot.com
http://www.facebook.com/cassandra.lynne.50 Cassandra Dorman

I’m sitting here tonight in a place of sadness because, like you, I’ve also allowed untruths to control my emotions. Because of many of the things in my husband’s past, I struggle with feelings of overwhelming fear. The fear is unwarranted… but it is still real. Only Christ can heal and only Christ defines us. Thank you for this reminder tonight. xo.
Donna

Amazing! I just want to say thank you for sharing that it is God who says who I am, not ME!! I have an amazing husband and I have had to learn to stop trying to make him who he isn’t. He has always let me be who I am – both good and bad and believe it or not, that makes me feel bad because I want to be better and I struggle. Back to my point, I don’t have to listen to who I say I am. I just need to believe what God says – end of story!
I know this is simple but it’s a humongous revelation to me. Thank you! I totally love reading your blogs. You are amazing. xxx
Jenn

Love the idea of “not wearing it” and want to apply it to all relationships! People say things they don’t mean (or maybe they do mean), but in those moments I want to choose to cling to what is true about me in Christ. One thing that has helped us in marriage is know when to take time to let emotions cool before continuing a hard discussion.
http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

Sarah,

Thank you so much for recommending our book. We are so thankful that you and your husband read our book and more importantly that it changed your marriage. We are thankful for you guys. Thank you for speaking into so many lives with your book and blog.
Kristie

I can sooo relate to this. I needed to hear these words…thank you!
http://sheppsnsk.org/blog/category/kims-prayer/ kjshepp

sarah mae, you are brave and bold to write on such topics! thank you for your honesty and advice. i think this is something I need to think on more and ask God how it could apply to me too (not giving my husband authority over who i am). I can see how I am like you and make my own lies about what he is thinking.
Kati

Where I need the most help in parenting: Learning how to serve others unselfishly. I want to live what I am trying to teach and am not very good at it!
http://citychickinthecountry.com/ donna oshaughnessy

The best thing I could ever accept in my marriage is this truth: My husband, no matter how awesome I KNOW he is….can NEVER read my mind. When I faced that truth and stopped assuming he should know me well enough to know my “need” at the moment, our entire marriage changed! I had to choose to trust him and that was pretty challenging. He was NEVER untrustworthy, but I had trust issues. God worked it out and not only have we been married for 24 years this week, we are happy and looking forward to spending our soon to be empty nest years enjoying one anothers company once again .
http://www.facebook.com/amymkw Amy Melissa Wilson

God is SO GOOD! I love how He just ‘shows up’!

I was listening to an Andrew Wommack msg and whooping & hollering through my kitchen about Hebrews 10:14. As a ‘recovering perfectionist’, this verse really hits home.

I came to my laptop to search Bing images for a pic w/ this verse to post to Facebook. I found you & your blog. Godsend! THANK YOU!!!
Rachel

Wow. So true. Thank you for sharing this post! I agree: we shouldn’t let anyone except God dictate who we should be!

SarahMae.com

How Not Giving My Husband Authority Over Who I Am Makes Our Marriage Better

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