by SarahMae | June 26, 2013 6:53 am
I remember when I first realized that my mom was an alcoholic.
I was fourteen and had recently moved in with her. I had noticed her drinking beer here and there, but didn’t think much of it. My mom was the fun mom. Until she wasn’t anymore. Until she was drunk and mean and verbally abusive.
I confronted her on her drinking, naively thinking she wasn’t aware of her alcoholism and just needed an intervention.
“Mom, I think you’re an alcoholic.”
“So what.” She replied. And then she laughed.
There it was, and that was our life. So what. This was the way it was, get used to it.
I begged her to stop drinking, and I remembering saying to her several times, “If you loved us you would stop.”
I finally moved out of her house when I was seventeen. I couldn’t take being there anymore.
I judged my mom for many years, considering myself better than her. I remember making a vow that I would never be like her; I would never become an alcoholic, and I would never do anything to hurt my children the way she had hurt me.
“For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:2
But you know it’s interesting these vows we make, and these judgements we carry. And now that I’m a mother I can see my mom in a different light; I can see her wounds and her loneliness and not so much her cruelty.
Here is an excerpt from a post I wrote a few years ago:
I completely understand how one becomes addicted to a substance.
For me, if I were to indulge myself, that would probably be alcohol. I assume this because my mother is an alcoholic. I vowed never to be like her.
But I am.
I am like her. I’m like the her before she took the drink. I’m tired. I don’t know how to live my life. I’m overwhelmed. I love my children intensely. I have no idea, some days, how on earth I am going to parent them.
It would be easy to start with a glass of wine. A little something to numb the mundane of life.
Because I’m just so tired.
My spirit is that of a ragamuffin. I will never have it “together”…and I’ll never pretend to. In the words of Moses, I’m not eloquent of speech. I wonder why God is using me for His glory when there are so many better than I to use. But that is not really here nor there. The point is,
I’m not going to drink.
Or numb out with whatever.
I’m just going to be tired. I’m going to just walk, slowly, one day at a time as the Spirit makes me holy.
My hands are up.
All is grace.
I may not have turned to alcohol, but I did turn to another drug: the Internet.
The Internet was my escape from reality. When I was too tired, or the constant conflict between little ones got to be too much, I got online. I tuned the world around me out. So really, I’m not that much different from my mom.
I’m choosing to not stay drugged. I will not let anything master me. I am free.
In continuing with the launch of my new eBook, The UnWired Mom – Choosing to Live Free in an Interent Addicted World, I have some special giveaways for you today. Giveaways that encourage you to be present with your family, and to hold on tight to your real, in-the-flesh life.
The first giveaway item is from Lisa Leonard Designs, and it is this beautiful “hearts connected” necklace:
The Gold Connected Necklace ($52)
I asked Lisa if she would be willing to give this necklace away because of what I felt like it could symbolize. This necklace reminds me to stay connected to the hearts around me, the people God has put in my care. If you are not familiar with Lisa Leonard Designs, please take a look at her work, it is modern and yet timeless. And her new stuff? Killer.
The next giveaway is one to encourage you in snuggling up with your babes for a good read-aloud.
Presenting, The Growly Books, by the people behind Design by Insight (the designers of The UnWired Mom eBook cover).
For centuries the bears of Haven have lived quiet lives, high in the mountains at the edge of the great Precipice. That all changes for a young cub named Growly when he receives a mysterious message. With just his backpack and glider, Growly sets out on a
desperate journey to find his grandfather’s long lost friend. . . and to find a way back home.
Friends, curling up with you kiddos for read-aloud time is a wonderful way to build a strong foundation of reading in your home, in addition to building strong bonds between you and your babes. You and your children will enjoy Begin, the first Growly book in the series (the next one comes out this fall). This is a great time to start the series because starting July 1st there is a summer reading party using Begin. Check that out here.
You can use the form below to enter the giveaways. Three people will win a copy of the Begin book, and one reader will win the Begin book and the connected gold necklace. If you’d like to buy Begin for $2 off, you can do that here, and you totally should because if you win, Erin will refund you. Win-win! Just use code: UNWIREDMOM (this code is good for the book or the book + print bundle).
P.S. I’m also over at We Are That Family today sharing my favorite time-management app!
Source URL: http://sarahmae.com/2013/06/my-mothers-alcoholism-and-my-time-online/
Copyright ©2013 Sarah Mae unless otherwise noted.