I Have Bad Thoughts About My Husband (and not the dirty kind) - Sarah Mae
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I Have Bad Thoughts About My Husband (and not the dirty kind)

I have bad thoughts about my husband (and not the dirty kind)

I don’t remember who I was telling (maybe my editor?) that I would never write a book on marriage because I stink at it. Marriage is not my forte. I got nothin’. Except, you know, a marriage. BUT IT’S HARD AND I’M NO GOOD AT IT. I will be winning no good wife awards. In fact, I told an audience this past weekend that I had bad thoughts about my husband, and not the dirty kind. Just the bad kind.

I struggle with marriage.

I struggle with the idea that I have to try in my marriage. I don’t want to try, I want to just be. When I try, I get mad that he’s not trying. Again, this is why I will not be writing any books on marriage. BUT I have learned a few things in my almost 12 14 years of marriage. A tiny few that might, maybe be helpful to someone out there. So here they are…

Be Sickeningly Honest

There was a time that I flirted with a guy online and it could have gone farther. I was frustrated in my marriage and I was acting carelessly and I just thought, “I’ll know when to stop.” Incredibly, as the Lord does I believe always providing a way out at some point, my husband got his hands on the book, “Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough”. He was reading it, and he said to me, “Have you ever wanted to cheat on me?”

“Yes.” I said.

Remember, I was in a don’t care stage and I got all honest. It was the best thing ever.

He called me over to him and I sat on his lap and I told him all about the flirting and the guy and that I was struggling. I can’t believe I told him, but I did. And he listened, which is crazy because my guy is the kind of guy that would FLIP OUT if I ever cheated on him. Like, out the door. But he listened, and we had the best conversation about our marriage. The best part? The power of the sin was broken. I didn’t even want to talk to that guy anymore. There is power in the light, and when I told the truth, light came in and the darkness vanished.

Side-note: If you ever think about having an affair, think of the after. Picture yourself telling your husband and children. Yea, not fun. I learned in counseling in college that a great way to learn from our sin is to face the consequences of our decisions (ask me how painful that is). Instead of facing them, how about just picturing them and not doing them. You’re welcome.

The Dark Thoughts Want to Keep You Locked Up

One of the things I’ve struggled with the most in my marriage is intimacy.

I’m this complicated mess and it’s been a tough road for my husband and I. One of the things I’ve felt so ashamed of is my thoughts. I felt so awful and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I couldn’t tell anyone because they would think terrible things about me. Shame. That’s what it does, it locks you up and keeps you in bondage. Eventually, I just wanted to be free and I wanted to deal with my intimacy junk because I hated it. I went to a prayer counselor and we talked and prayed and I shared a little bit. Then I was with some friends at a bible study and I, with fear and trembling, shared my deepest secret thoughts. And you know what? They said things like, “Me too.”

Their thoughts weren’t the same as mine, but they struggled with shame and sinful things just as I had. That’s the thing about shame, it makes you think you’re alone. But you’re not. And when you confess, and there is “me too” there is freedom. Again, when you confess and share the things you are afraid to share, and someone receives you, the power of the darkness is broken. I finally shared my secret thoughts with my husband, and you know what he said? “That’s it?” I mean FOR REAL. I couldn’t believe it. Shame had so locked me up and kept me in the dark that I thought I was disgusting. The thing is, sin infests all of us, I think that’s why confessing is so powerful; we learn we aren’t alone as sinful humans.

It turns out, when you turn the light on, there really are no monsters under the bed. (Tweet that)

With this new freedom and a massive gratefulness for grace, I decided to be a receiver of people. I would be a “me too” person. With my husband, this was the most important thing I could do as a wife. I don’t know what it means to be a “good wife” and whatever it is I’m probably not it, but I do know about grace and freedom and shame, and so with my husband I receive him and all his mess. When he confesses to me, I say, “me too”. When he is stuck in shame, I tell him, “I love you and I’m with you and for you.” Because I am. Even when I’m so mad at him I can’t stand him, I’m for him. Because I am him. I am human and sinful and in desperate need of love and grace.

Believe that God Knows What He’s Doing With Your Life

I have had the thought, “Did I marry the wrong person?” I have been hurt and angry and at my wits end in my marriage, and I have dreamed of ways out at times. But at the end of the day, I believe that God knows what He’s doing with my life, and that I’m supposed to be with my husband. He is a good man, even when he ticks me off. He’s a good man and God is doing a work with us as a couple and for His glory on this earth. Somehow, someway, us being together brings His Kingdom to bear on this earth, whether in our personal sanctification and/or with how we raise our children and/or what we do as a couple that affects this world. We are meant to be together, and God works it all out for our good and His purposes. I believe it.

Duh, It’s Hard

Our first year was terrible. Heck, we barely made it to our honeymoon. Seven years in, I was done. I actually cried on my Mother-in-Law’s laundry room floor telling her I couldn’t take it. You know what she did? She just listened to me and told me she understood. She didn’t try and give me advice or change my mind, she just felt with me. And I needed that. I needed to know I wasn’t alone or crazy, but that marriage is just hard. How can it not be? It’s two sinners living together! Marriage is a crazy thing, but it’s God’s thing. He made it; it means something. And it’s good. It’s hard, but it’s good. I remember back in high school hearing Dr. Laura (don’t laugh) say that coveting just made you miserable, and it’s true. The more I thought about not being married the more discontent I got. When I accepted my marriage, when I chose to believe God for it, I stopped being so discontent. And when I stopped being discontent, I started enjoying my marriage. My husband is my best friend. Do we fight? YES. Do I sometimes think bad things about him? YES. Do I drive him crazy and cause him to have non-dirty bad thoughts about me? I’M SURE OF IT. Because I’m a sinner too. But I love that man, and I’m glad he’s mine. For all the things I can’t stand, there are more good things. He is my biggest supporter and encourager. He lifts me up and he speaks truth into me when I believe lies. He makes me laugh, and he has the best laugh ever. I love watching Netflix with him while eating wings and drinking beer. He is my man, and he is a good man, and he is my best friend. When I think about that and the good things, when I turn my laments to thankfulness, I am a happier, more content woman. And maybe even a better wife.

Love, SM

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  • Ddef

    I was so happy to read you think bad things about your husband too. It definately isn’t something any if us like to admit, especially those of us who are blessed enough to be in a happy, stable marriage. Shhhh…my thoughts involve being given the opportunity to just get rid of all his hoard of dead electronics!

    • saversavvy

      LOL! I KNOW what you mean about the electronics! I remind myself weekly that if he were to die I COULD get rid of his stuff BUT I would not have HIM!! And that would make me so SAD! I have learned that you MUST put things in the right perspective to have a happy marriage. I have been married for almost 18 years and most of it very happy. I have only been unhappy when I lose sight of the good things about my husband and focus on the annoying things about my husband. I have learned that when I hear him gagging when he brushes his teeth, that it means that I will have him there at night to snuggle with and to put my cold feet on!!! Now that is a pretty cool trade, would you not agree!!! 🙂 I have heard from widows and widowers that some of the things that drove them crazy before their spouse died, were some of the things that they missed. Or, at least would gladly put up with if they could just have them back. That has always stuck with me and helped me to be content and thankful for my husband and all his good and bad traits. REMEMBER they put up with all our good and bad traits too!!! Still the dead electronic things really should just be taken to Staples and recycled don’t ya think!! 😉

  • Emily Boone

    Are we the same person? Seriously. I’ve been married almost-16yrs, and I’ve had many bad thoughts about my husband. And write a marriage book?! HA! That would be the day…I suck at being married. I hate that it’s so much work and that we’re so totally different. He drives me nuts. BUT, at the same time, our story tells me that it is completely obvious that God brought us together. Like, we’re meant to be together (it’s an interesting story). I wish we had an easier time together and that it wasn’t so hard, but I cling to the fact that I know God wanted us together.

  • Karla M. Davis

    Wonderful post Sarah Mae! Thank you for your candor as always. My husband tells me all the time that I’m an amazing mother but that I need to work on being a better wife. He also agrees he’s not the best husband. lol. I have experienced many of the same thoughts you had and our first year of marriage was rough. It always seems like everyone around me is having this fabulous honeymoon phase as newlyweds and ours couldn’t have been further from that. I still sometimes wonder if I married the wrong person but as you said, sometimes it’s not about what we want or how we feel but what God wants to accomplish by having brought us together for His purpose. Marriage IS really hard, and it’s so much harder than I thought it would be. My challenge is making time to do things a “good wife” should. He wishes I cooked more which I’m working on more this year and creating a new recipe each week. He loves my cooking but I’ve directed my efforts towards my business and our toddler leaving me little time for that and keeping the house running ship shape as I used to. I know it’s important to him so I’m trying one new recipe every week, even if that means letting something go in the house because I know he cares less about that and more about a hot meal on the table for dinner.

  • http://limetreecity.com/ Lenae

    Sarah Mae, thank you for this. Thank you for being brave and honest and just… putting it out there. This whole post was a breath of fresh air, the kind that hurts a bit as you exhale because… shoot, who admits this kind of stuff? Social media can be deceptive and it can seem like if a relationship isn’t a wreck, then it’s picturesque. I appreciate you throwing this one in the ring: A real, gritty, flippin’ hard marriage that is still filled with love and effort amid the mistakes. “Me, too”–hear, hear!

  • Cathy

    Sarah Mae, Thank you for writing this. Sometimes from one strong sister in Christ to another it needs to be heard just as much as it needs to be said. God Bless.

  • SL

    This is one of the best things I’ve ever read on marriage. It’s real. I could have said almost everything in it myself…me too! Thanks for cutting through the B.S. and talking straight. I’ve been married 25 years, and this is my story too. I feel like I SHOULD have my crap together by now, but it is what it is.

  • http://jumbledupjoy.blogspot.com Joy Nicholas

    Thank you so much for being so honest. I hate when — and how often — Christians feel like they need to put up a facade of perfection instead of talking about the realities we face. I read this and felt such a connection, unlike other articles I’ve read, because it’s real and true.

    Also, once again, I felt like we’d be good friends if we ever met, not to be weird or creepy. ;-).

  • jami

    Thank you so much for writing this!! My husband has been away in Europe for 4 weeks for his job. He’s coming home Saturday, and I have felt guilty about the mixed feelings I’ve had about that. Excited that he’s coming home, yes, because I miss my best friend. But also apprehensive and scared, because the kids and I have gotten into such an easy routine and there have been no fights and…the list keeps going. You can’t know how much I needed to read this this morning and know that I am not alone in these kinds of thoughts. And to be reminded that I love that man…even when it’s hard.

    Thank you.

  • Amy Carden Corley

    Thank you for this…SO MUCH. I can relate to so much of it. I appreciated your description of how shame worked in your life and marriage because I have definitely experienced the same debilitating effects of shame. I have been married for 17 years and I just want to second what you said…marriage is hard!! But it is worth going through all of the hard, all of the moments on the laundry room floor and in the counseling office. Because in the midst of all of the struggle, there are so many opportunities for grace, for love, for mercy and for seeing God work and bring light to dark places. May we each be strengthened in our resolve in our marriages, and in our love for our husbands.

  • Mashawn Hepner

    It was refreshing to read this today! Thank you for saying the things that we as Christian women don’t want to say. Or admit.

  • shelly

    Sweet Jesus on a cracker. This was just what I needed. I didn’t even realize I was shame that was eating me alive. The bad thoughts about my husband and marriage. Thought about not wanting to be a parent to my beautiful children sometimes. Even the ugly thoughts about myself. Thank you for this. Me too. Me too.

  • keltrinswife

    Thank you for this honest post. I think every wife goes through this. Be blessed 🙂

  • http://www.confessionsofaneverydaymama.blogspot.com/ Sheila

    YES!!!! Finally!!! An authentic, real, messy post about what marriage is really like. Glad to see other women in the same boat.

  • Nicola

    Love this post Sarah! Thanks for being so open!

  • http://thequeenmommy.com/ Debbie Taylor

    thank you. it really is about gratitude, isn’t it?

  • Clever Colleen

    Perfect. And timely. Love how God knows…… 🙂

  • Kathleen Richardson

    Love this!

  • Kim Huitt

    Yes, I understand. I don’t know how many times I’ve said out loud the lies that the evil one would like me to believe and act upon. Praise God for His grace and power. Oh Jesus help us and thank you that you do. Thank you Holy Spirit for peace. My husband and I have been married for 18 years now. My parents have been married for 43 years. Such rocky storms, darkness, turmoil, beauty, life, love found in those years.

  • Paulette

    This was a blessing. Thank you!

  • http://www.LifeLoveandGod.com/ jessie_minassian

    Me too.
    Goodness. So proud of you for saying what so many authors/teachers/leaders are afraid to say. Your words are a breath of fresh air!
    My next book, Unashamed: Overcoming the Sins No Girl Wants to Talk About, is along the same lines… blowing the cover off shame and isolation, so teen and college-age girls can walk in the freedom Christ died for! We need more “me too”s in the Christian world—thank you for leading the charge! xo

  • http://christinslade.com/ Christin

    If it means anything at all — the seven year mark is known as one of the hardest milestones. Several of my friends gave up and divorced at this point in their marriage. But you kept fighting, despite how you FELT, you kept on. That counts and it means something. Keep fighting, girl. xoxoxo

    • http://www.missionalwomen.com/ Laura Krokos

      I’ve heard that too but just from a friend. Is there studies on that? I’d love to understand that more. Thanks Christin.

  • Laura

    Me too. 🙂

  • joystutts

    This is the best blog post I have read in a really long time. thanks for being honest. me too.

  • Leah

    Wow, I definitely needed to read this. I really appreciate your honesty, and your wisdom. Thank you. I really don’t know what else to say, except this was a God thing. Lord knows I needed to know that I’m not alone. What a wonderful feeling it is, to know your not the only one.

  • Joanna Branson

    Thank you! No, seriously, just… THANK YOU! My soul needed to hear this today. You’ve no idea how deeply you’ve touched me with this post.

  • Beth Williams

    Thank you so much for your honesty! It is refreshing to see Christian women open up and talk about their hurts and feelings. Come right out and say hey I’m human just like you! Bless you for this!!
    Marriage is never ever easy. Try getting married later in life (39) to someone who had been married before. You both bring some baggage into the marriage. You need to put and keep God first priority in the marriage and your lives.
    Also what helped was watching Fireproof and years later Courageous. Those movies really hit the nail on the head. Sure after years of marriage you get kind of blah, and routine. Yes the fights will happen, believe me. But Always forgive each other and make up before going to sleep!
    In the end all the hard work will be worth it! 🙂

  • Michelle Brownell

    And this is why you should write a book on marriage. We all need to hear the real, raw, vulnerable reality of how hard marriage is, the struggles we face and to know we are not alone. that we are normal. Through it we be encouraged and hope filled by the story of someone else. We are all walking out our issues and in marriage, we do it with our spouse who is also working out his issues. God brings us to a place of brokenness so he can restore our soul to wholeness. One of the most beautiful things in marriage is the humility and honesty to be broken before the Lord together.

  • Deborah Whye

    This was absolutely right on time. Thank you for sharing this. All I can say is “me too”

  • http://www.givinguponperfect.com/ Mary Carver

    This is such a good word, Sarah Mae. I struggle with marriage, too, but this — “Marriage is a crazy thing, but it’s God’s thing.” — is such a great thing for us to remember and be thankful for!

  • Erin Boyd Odom

    You are so not alone. And I don’t write about marriage either…for the exact same reasons.

  • Hana

    Thank you too.
    *Struggle in my 3rd year marriage.

  • Dad

    Marriage, For The Wife…
    You know the rest!

  • Sarah

    I’m glad to know I’m not alone in the very same struggle. Thank you for writing this!

  • Kandace

    I tried to sabotage my marriage on more than one occasion for 22 years. Three years ago God graciously swooped down in my biggest mess, poured out His amazing grace and drew me with undeserved kindness through my forgiving husband. Not only did he forgive, he poured out tangible mercy in ways that have healed and restored my wounded heart. My husband’s dependency on Jesus caused him to love me unconditionally and to honor me when I least deserved it. We love to share that same hope with others and as my husband says, “God wastes nothing.”

    Love this post, love your honesty and love that you are helping others get there.

  • http://stuartwillsblog.com/ Stuart Wills

    You have lots of followers here that struggle with marriage and mostly women too.
    I think the reality is that we all at some point struggle with marriage (and lots of other things too!) where we are put into situations that require compromise and doing things that we do not really want to do, but your husband or wife wants.
    It is easy to get critical of your partner at times but you just have to hope that there are more positives (way more!) than negatives so that as you grow older you are not lonely and can enjoy each other for all the right reasons.
    I am not religious, but tend to believe I know what is right and wrong.
    By the way – my marriage is not perfect either and I have regrets for some of the things I have done and not done, for some of the thoughts and I imagine my wife has some too.
    We are human after all…

  • Katie

    Been married for nearly 14 years and……. me too! But this man that God made for me, he is worth the trying and the fighting and the sometimes struggle!

    • http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

      Amen sister!

  • Mel

    Just get a divorce. Once you go through the complication and devastation of divorce, you’ll wish for just a few “bad thoughts” about your husband.

  • Heather

    ME TOO!!!!! I’ve felt this way for too long and this is a huge eye opener. I always feel defensive, mostly due to how I was brought up, and it doesn’t excuse the way I’ve been treating him. We’ve been married for going on 4 yrs, but together almost 8 yrs. I love him with all my heart & soul, and sometimes he makes me scream with frustration. He is a very good man, who does A LOT around the house. See, our roles are reversed right now and I’m the one working full time while he stays at home with out little one. I also homeschool him on my days off. I work Thur-Sat, 12 hr (sometimes 16 hr) days as an 911 Dispatcher. I often forget that men generally are not hard-wired to be the stay-at-home parent and are most often the one supporting the family financially, and I feel that he doesn’t fully grasp how stressful my job can be sometimes.
    Your posting was a big eye opener and I hope we can utilize some of these practices and become better communicators in our marriage. For better of for worse, we’re in it forever!

  • Kate

    I saw this come in my email and I skimmed it and then deleted it. And now I’m back again because I’m having a “me too” moment that I didn’t know would present itself. We’ve been together 9 years and married for almost 8. This the first time where I’ve let myself be sucked in to the compliments of another man. I used to ignore them or laugh them off, but this time I let them keep coming. And yes, the shame that follows of words and thoughts have consumed me. But sharing them and confessing them are providing freedom. My man is the most loving, honorable man I know. I’m always amazed that he chooses me, ME, everyday. I’m not out of the darkness yet, but I can see the light. God redeems and for that I am grateful. He will meet me exactly where I am and will walk me through this. Thanks for the post.

  • http://www.missionalwomen.com/ Laura Krokos

    Me too Sarah. Thank you for writing, you say it all so well!!!

  • Elizabeth

    I honestly was thinking this morning if I have made a mistake in being married to my husband and then feeling so guilty for have those thoughts. I know God does not make mistakes and we are meant to be together, but the thought pops up every so often. It is so nice to know I am not alone. God knew exactly what I needed to hear at this very moment and it was your words. Thank you so much for writing them. A huge weight has been lifted from my heart!

  • yazpistachio

    Please write that book. I would read it in a second. Most marriage advice books leave me feeling horrible.

  • Katy

    Absolutely brilliant. Can’t thank you enough for this.

  • Amanda

    I have been struggling with bad thoughts daily. Like, “I don’t like you. I hate you. I want a divorce”. My husband is a good person and he loves me. I am angry with him more often than not, bitter, short tempered. He annoys me for doing the things he’s always done, things I thought he would change. I know I’m not being fair to him. It turns out we have nothing in common, except our kids and our address. I’m tired of being resentful and angry with him. I don’t want to be this person or this kind of wife. I don’t believe he will change, and I don’t know if I can accept that. I have prayed for a softer heart towards him and to be able to empathize with him, and I think it’s happening a little. And now I’ve stumbled across this blog which is beatifully written in all its honesty. I wonder if we can overcome ME and have a successful and lasting marriage?

    • Shari Thomas

      Hi Amanda. I’m in the same boat as you are (and it seems we are in the minority here). I have been married for 23 years to someone who is passive in many aspects of our marriage. For example, parenting, I seem to be the one who is the primary disciplinarian of our son and rarely get back up from him. Our physical intimacy as been infrequent, often going for months without. When I evaluate my upbringing, I realize that my mom married the same kind of guy (I am referring to my father). She was the one who wore the pants in the family and my dad was passive and complacent not supporting her like a husband should. They argued more often than not and the whole neighborhood could hear it coming from our house. My husband and I don’t have arguments like that…….as a matter of fact, we don’t argue about anything. That’s the point: He is passive and non-confrontational and would rather walk away than address anything. We wend to counseling recently mainly focused on parenting our son and I am still not getting the support I had hoped for. I told my therapist in a private session that I build up resentment toward him when he does not support me and thus, who feels like being intimate with someone who doesn’t support you. At our last session a couple of months ago, the therapist seemed to think that things were going well. At that point, I decided, she is not really seeing the problem here because parenting our child wasn’t the only issue with which we has been passive. When I think of my future after our son graduates in a couple of years, I’m afraid I will end up with a sedentary life like my mom did. She was miserable but was old fashioned and stuck out the relationship until she died before my dad did. There were other issues in their relationship such as verbal and physical abuse in addition to my dad having a wondering eye, if you know what I mean. Bottom line was, they did absolutely NOTHING together after my brother and I moved out of the house. He did his thing and she did hers. I had to encourage her to go on a Once In A Lifetime Trip to Europe with the choir group she belonged to. She was not going to go because my dad didn’t want to go. I pretty much forced her and afterwards, she was so glad she went and have a fabulous time seeing many different places where her choir performed. Low and behold, she found out a few years later she had cancer and passed away. How sad is that. I know I’m rambling here and perhaps my story is way different than yours. I would love for you to share your story with me. I honestly don’t know where my marriage is headed but I saw my mom “settle” for a life she wasn’t happy with. I’m not so sure I want to do that. My e-mail address is workingirl2004@hotmail.com. I hope to hear from you. Hugs!

  • Honey

    Well, after reading some of the comments, I can say that I have been married for almost 41 years. That’s right….a long time and believe it or not, I still have those annoying feelings about my husband and I am sure he has them about me too. A lot of water under this ole bridge and too many stories to tell about our journey, but believe me when I say, that each day I search for a reason to be a better ME. Like one post read, if we can just survive ME. We are retired, we spend 24/7 together, we eat together, and we share an address together, but when he goes, he goes his direction and I go mine. I find myself looking for time alone, in the quiet, to think, to reflect, to do the things that I have been wanting to do without someone over my shoulder questioning….What are you doing? So this feeling of having bad thoughts are real….and let’s not forget that the older we get the more baggage we carry. Our journey has been one of many ups and downs, due to PTSD and a war called Viet Nam. He is my version of Humpty Dumpty…he’s broken and all the kings horses and all the kings men can’t put him back together again. So ask yourself, how can I be a better spouse so that he does not have bad feelings about me? Look at yourself and be honest….that is the hardest thing to do. God bless each of you as you go through early years of marriage…..hang in there….because all the good ones are taken!

  • Carrie Beth Sherwood

    You could totally write a marriage book, haha! I needed this! Thank you 🙂

  • Sarah

    I’m struggling with this. My husband was in an accident because he didn’t use the proper safety equipment, this accident left him in a wheelchair. He changed our lives and I’m having a hard time accepting this new life. We have lost so much and I dislike our new normal. I don’t know how to fix this, right now I’m staying for the kids.

  • Deborah

    I had bad thoughts and prayers for years about my husband. I became ill because of his personality. I left and I am alone for ever, but, I don’t have the stress and unhappiness.

  • Dawn

    Sarah, you wrote this and it could have been me. THANK YOU. I’m humbled, comforted and greatly encouraged. Keep on keeping on!

  • Diane

    In tears…..me too!

  • caroline

    Hi Sarah Mae, reading your writing today on marriage and in particular intimacy really touched my heart.
    I had an abortion 20 years ago and I have realised the power of Gods love for me in the last few years as a result of therapy. This has affected my whole life and the lives of the people that I love but I am now finding my broken way back to being good enough.
    I thought I too was the only one experiencing problems with intimacy but God has spoken to me today through you. I am continuing to fight for my beautiful messy marriage and my fabulous faulty children and own broken way. Thank you for your courage, you are a beautiful person.

  • Reg

    ALLLLLLL I can say is thank you for your honesty!!!!!

  • Erin

    Thank you 🙂

  • JustMe

    Thank you for your honesty. I’m so tired of pretending that marriage is awesome and easy. There are so many days I can not stand him… But I stay and we will figure it out. God’s got this.

  • Ganesa Wiens

    Brilliant. On point. Love this. Thank you.

  • Julie

    LOVE THIS! (me too)

  • Judy

    Me, too. Thank you, Sarah. I needed this today.

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