Choosing to Wake Up to My Own Life - Sarah Mae
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Choosing to Wake Up to My Own Life

I remember the morning I sat up in my bed and thought, “If something doesn’t change, I’m not going to make it.” Life had become like water. I couldn’t catch it; it just kept slipping through my fingers. I felt so behind, so robotic, so stuck. Why couldn’t I change? Why couldn’t I get myself together? Why couldn’t I do the things I wanted to do? I just felt tired and overwhelmed, and many days, defeated...

A hotel room, pizza, and my girl. Great choice.

I remember the morning I sat up in my bed and thought, “If something doesn’t change, I’m not going to make it.”

Life had become like water. I couldn’t catch it; it just kept slipping through my fingers. I felt so behind, so robotic, so stuck. Why couldn’t I change? Why couldn’t I get myself together? Why couldn’t I do the things I wanted to do?

I just felt tired and overwhelmed, and many days, defeated.

But that morning in my bed, I decided I wanted to live; I didn’t just want to go through the motions.

And it was that day I purposed to wake up to my own life and choose it. No one was going to do it for me. Whatever it was that clicked in me that morning made me see that I didn’t want to regret my life. I didn’t want to look back one day and see that I missed it.

It’s such a funny thing when you become a mom. You lose yourself to it in the most beautiful way. You give of yourself, you sacrifice, and it’s good and you wouldn’t change it. But then one day you wake up and you think, “Who am I now?” You have to figure out a new normal. You’re you, but you’re different. So this waking up I was doing was more then just getting out of a funk; it was figuring out a new way to live in this mother-self-skin.

“Daily life is very seductive. Weeks go by and we forget who we are.”

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

I committed to making small changes over a period of several months in order to wake up to my life. I experimented with myself, trying all sorts of things having to do with self-discipline, diet, mothering, spiritual depth, figuring out who I was (and accepting myself), and learning to serve out of who God created me to be. I basically boot-camped my own life. And it worked. It woke me up.

I haven’t shared too much about here, but overtime I will. But what I want to share with you today are the two initial things that changed the course of my life: 1.) I chose to live, and 2.) I fought for it.

Choosing to Live

I literally had to say out loud, “I’m going to choose to live my life.”

It was a light bulb moment for me to awaken to the fact that I could choose my life. That God, in His kindness, gave us minds and hearts and guts and bodies to be able to choose how we want to live; He gave us the ability to think and make decisions and act on them. It seems so obvious, right? But life does this thing to you sometimes where you just feel like you have no choice, like you just have to roll where the waves take you.

I know now that’s not entirely true.

We might not be able to change our personalities or our circumstances, but we can make daily decisions that affect our whole life. We can choose to say and believe that we were made for more than a mediocre, just-get-by existence. We are made to live and live fully; a half-dead people cannot be effective in the Kingdom, but a fully-alive people? Watch out. Life calls forth life, and if you are alive, you can call forth life in others. (Tweet.)

I am choosing to live because it matters. It matters to God, it matters to my family, and it matters to me. I want to enjoy life, and God, and His people, and the glory all around me. And when I do that, I am in a soul-alive place where I can help others. Yea, it matters.

But you have to choose it or life will pull you under.

Choosing to Fight

Once I chose, I had to face the reality that it wasn’t going to come easy. I was going to have to fight. I had to make plans, and begin again and again.

And again.

Because my plans fail and because my body sometimes fails, and my hormones course through me and make me crazy. But I keep on. I’m fighting. I have a vision to live and enjoy and be delighted in and bring God’s Kingdom to bear on this earth in creative ways. So yea, it’s imperfect, but it’s faithful. It’s something. It’s slow and steady, one day at a time. I will live today.

And when I can’t fight, when I’m feeling battle worn, He fights for me. And He will fight for you.

He sees our broken places; He doesn’t forget.

You are not alone, and I am not alone. We are in a sisterhood, together, and together we can make it.

“It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.”

Victor Hugo

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10

Love, SM

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  • http://www.allthegracebetween.com/ Molly Huggins

    See, I love this, but I am sitting on the couch exhausted from mothering, and moving prep, and growing a baby and it just makes me cry.

    • http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

      Oh girl. Don’t I know. Hang in there, k? Love you.

    • kole

      Maybe today you just acknowledge where you’re at and give yourself some peace for being exhausted. Exhaustion means you’re trying. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day to fight again.

    • Dina Colombo Croy

      Sometimes we need to cry. It feels good, it’s a release. You are doing God’s greatest work-mothering and growing a baby. Throw perfection out the window and love those babies. Oh, I know….someone still needs to take care of the many items on the to do list. Pray. Seek The Lord like never before. He will lead you into all wisdom.

      Take care of yourself or you can not take care of anyone. Reach out where you can for help. And check out http://www.flylady.net I’ve been where you are and her simple ideas work. My favorite? 15 minutes. Just tackle what you can in 15 minutes and walk away. Snuggle a child, play a game, rest. Then go back. You will be surprised at what can be accomplished.

  • http://www.deidrariggs.com/ Deidra

    Amen to this, sister.

  • Kathleen

    So loved reading this! I am there. Homeschooling a 12 year old boy who is going through puberty as I am going through menopause. You give me encouragement today, so thank you!

  • Jackie

    Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder that He fights for us when we can’t fight for ourselves!!

  • Katie

    This is a very good message as today I’m feeling tired of the battle and loneliness. I became a motherless adult this year as my mom left the family in an adulterous affair…I homeschool and live in a rural area where we lack community…and my husband has recently transitioned out of his pastoral job because it was with his parents and was becoming more negative than positive…we’ve felt strangely for a couple of years that change was in the air but the lack of community coupled with all the family relational strain this year has been difficult. I do trust God in all this and remind myself of the tension of life between grief and joy…but I sure could use an “in the flesh” Sally Clarkson 🙂 thank you Sarah for sharing some of your journey and this encouragement!

  • Charley Gee

    I keep coming back to your blog Sarah cause I just feel that you get what I’m going through. After my second child was born God’s word literally jumped off the page at me from Ezekiel 16:6: “Live!” (you can read more about that on my blog if you’re interested). I’ve tried to cling to that word (even going so far as to naming my third child the Hebrew word for live :). Most days I still say “Lord, I can’t do this anymore” but He is faithful to love me in my unfaithfulness. Blessings to you as you walk with us; giving us freedom to air out our laundry, sweep our messes out from under the rug, and walk freely in His truth and light.

    • Naomi

      I’m interested in your blog. What is the link?

      • Charley Gee

        I forgot about this but interestingly enough, the post that I write about “Live!”, was written after the first time I was introduced to Sarah’s likeawarmcupofcoffee.com… You can read it at stailing.blogspot.com. Click the Faith and Inspiration tab and hit the “Escape” post.

  • http://myfreshlybrewedlife.com/ Barbie

    This is so timely for me. Having gone through some pretty intense changes over the last 5 years I’ve been left disappointed and numb. And I think I forgot how to live. Thank you for sharing your heart and encouraging me to fight — because I am worthy it.

  • Summer Burton

    Oh Sarah, this is so tugging right at ny heartstrings. I am going through this battle right now. Living overseas and my kids gone all day ay school…who am I? What purpose do I have besides being a mom & wife? Who would have thought a fiesty soldier with passion & purpose would lose sight of all the things that she once held dear? It’s funny how motherhood changes you, its reshapes your soul and the you you once were (I don’t believe) ever fully resurfaces and you’re left on this journey of self-discovery that is beautifully brutal. Loneliness is firece but the peace is comforting. I appreciate knowing there are others out there with me & I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your heart, I can attest to its sensitive nature and commend you for relying on God & sharing your struggle. Many Blessings. ♡

    • Lisa V.

      Yes isn’t it some comfort that we are not alone and know others are going through similar struggle? I enjoyed your words.

    • Bob

      I always thought of myself as a soldier, even though I was never in the military. I have two adult daughters who have one child each . Both decided that they wanted to be parents, no matter who the father was. I’ve been consumed by sickness sense my early thirties, still staying loyal to my motherly responsibilities. Now that both daughters are grown, they are still the disrespectful, lazy and down right ungrateful lil girls they were in their teens. While trying to understand, live and except my physical my daughters now want me to play mother to their children. Physically and mentally that is not going to work for me. My daughters have taken the fight right out of me. Unable to work and my husband taking care of the both of us and them is exhausting. It’s so much more to my story, this is just a small peace.

  • Corrie

    I really want to hear more about this! As practical as you can make it. I’ve got 5 with another on the way, and sometimes I feel like life is defined for me – not badly at all, but it is what it is.

    • Lisa V.

      That resonates with me. Yes, sometimes it’s as if life has already been defined for me.

  • Rébecca

    I’m looking forward to reading more about this.
    And I liked the quoting of French authors. However, you may want to learn more Colette’s life… Unfortunately I’m not sure the “wonderful life” she talks about is one we would want to emulate…

  • Gennifer

    Thank you. I really needed to read this.

  • Claire

    Thank you so much for posting about this. I’m looking forward to hearing more about it. I often feel like I’m sleepwalking through life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But there is way too much “going through the motions”.

  • Cathy

    I needed this, thank you! This is a post I will re read until it sticks!

  • Lisa V.

    Please do share more here. I
    want to be in the fight with you. I get
    discouraged because in theory I know friendships are so important but yet as a wife, and mom of two young boys and
    working full time outside the home, it’s hard to cultivate friendships. And sometimes I justify my lack of attention
    to friendships because of my role so I don’t know what’s the right
    balance. And then I also resent that
    others don’t reach out to me. Reaching
    out to them sometimes to me seems like just another “to do” item. I need help and wisdom in this area. Your insight will be a blessing.

    • http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

      I will friend, soon.

  • mom2five

    and what if I can’t? what if I’m done? just. plain. done.

    • Sandy N

      Never give up. Those little ones need you. ((Hugs)). Hang in there and keep praying. Find something you love to do to rekindle your passion for life. Do it with your kids.

    • Amy in GA

      I’ve been there, and with only three kids. You are a super woman to be managing five! Don’t give in to the voices telling you that you can’t do it. The Lord will give you strength and guidance if you ask for it. Go to the doctor. My thyroid was way out of whack causing depression, irritability and a myriad of less than wonderful symptoms. What a difference a little balance can make (both spiritually and physically). Take care of you!

    • http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

      Oh friend. I am aching for you right now. It’s okay to feel done. God knows and He hears you and He is for you, even if you feel alone right now. You aren’t. You are going to make it. Let someone else fight for you right now…your husband? Friends? Family? What do you need to be able to keep on? Specifically. Ask God for it, and let us know? We’ll be here praying for you.

    • Ashley Pullen

      I have been there, and I only have three little ones… in fact, I am clawing my way out of it right now. I have been diagnosed with epilepsy and chronic thyroid disease this year. My two oldest are in a difficult stage of life right now where they testing their boundaries and driving me to the brink of complete insanity. I also have an almost 9 month old that has worn me down. Pray. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. Pray for a break! I do not know you, but my heart is going out to you. Satan is trying to tear you down and make you believe that you can’t do this. You can. Stand strong and don’t stop fighting. Keeping you in my prayers! <3

    • Wanda Opitz

      I know mom2five, how you feel…I have seven, and I, too, was done yesterday. I will not give you pat answers, it is not easy, and sometimes waking up to our own lives means mourning the hopes we had, before we can move on to believing we can rise from the ashes and have life in our dry bones again. I don’t know how old your children are…it does get better when they grow, my teenager daughters are truly turning into my friends now which warms my heart, but I have 4 little ones under the age of 7, and it is so hard for everyone most of the time. On days like yesterday, I weep, truly weep, and then recognize the lies, and then remember that the Lord loves me. He is Savior of our lives, and He is Savior for your children. He takes our broken offerings sincerely given, and He makes them into something beautiful and new. I hope that the comfort the Lord has extended to me will comfort you as well 2 Cor 1:3-11.

    • tjoyce

      Dear mom2five,

      So many of use have been there… sometimes it is a matter of putting one foot in front of the other every moment of every day. That is a victorious day. It is really hard to find joy in the mundane. That’s what I am fighting with right now. Please know that you are not alone. We are in this together.

      And we are making such a huge difference in the not only the lives of our children but in future generations – as we fight for our kids AND FOR FAMILY.

      Stay encouraged. Just keep on keeping on. Joy comes in the morning.

      Prayers.
      mom2three

    • Meghan

      Hi mom to five. I love you, even though I don’t know you 🙂 My only child Andrew is almost 2. One child has been really hard for me. Yes, just one. Andrew was a very sick baby and had surgery on his first day of life. He had a 23 day NICU stay, we had movers at house house the day we were induced. We lived with strangers for 22 nights. We drove 3 hours to our new home. I had post pardum, lack of friends, little support, nobody understood. Andrew had severe reflux that made it impossible to anywhere. I shut down. Became angry. Cried. Didn’t want to see the light on day. Often thought about driving my car into a mountain–seriously. I wanted out. Through it all–4 months of killing my body breast feeding with a child who would not gain weight, through his terrible colic, through the lonliness, through the feelings of never being settled….God was there. He was daily reminding me and telling me to hang on, hang on, I have you. Even that day when I threw myself on the floor took my fists and hit the floor over and over….He listened to me.

      Here I am about to plan a second birthday party. The fog has lifted. God is faithful. He held my hand. The Holy Spirt took my groanings and prayed for me.

    • Jessie O

      I like what Sarah and others have said about letting others fight for you. It brings to mind Exodus 14:13-14 “…Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today.” “…the Lord himself will fight for you, just stay calm.”

      Deut. 31:8 (NLV) “The Lord is the One Who goes before you. He will be with you. He will be faithful to you and will not leave you alone. Do not be afraid or troubled.”

  • Amy in GA

    I have a new theme song that goes perfectly with this post: “Day One” by Matthew West. If you haven’t heard it, please search for it on youtube. It is a fun to sing, upbeat song which really helped pull me out of the funk of “wishing” things were different.

  • Tricia Carter

    oh how i so needed to hear this today.
    i doubt choices and decisions i’ve made to move forward and live a life that makes me happy complete secure & to live a life worthy of all that God intends for me. NOT what others think or tell me I should be doing – but authentic to me and to the life God has for me and places me in. Thank you so very much. I’m at work but I’m holding back a big big big ugly cry over this post.

  • http://www.savvyhomemaking.com/ Julie Filter

    I’m just beginning Desperate, although now that im starting I may make it into a group thing…I need that. I have a desperate question for you that maybe you can help with, if you have the time. The Lord has called me to Write…and I’m scared. I’m scared to do it because I am afraid I’m going to fail. I have six kids, from 9-1, and I don’t know how I’m going to meet their needs, and write…how do you do it? How do you possibly hold onto the flow of life, while also pursuing your unique life purpose? I’m terrified of this next step, because I want it to be true so badly that I’m terrified it will fall through and won’t be what my heart yearns for. Just days ago it felt like the Lord moved time and space to converge on me the exact message I needed to hear: Write…but, I’m still scared. Where do I find the support for moving in this when most people can’t understand this calling? How do I do this life and purpose thing? If you have no answers, I’ll take the prayers =0). They’re just as good in the Real World we have yet to enter. Thanks!

    • http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com Sarah Mae

      Oh Julie, I’m not sure I have an answer. In fact, to try and answer it myself I took a year off to gain perspective: http://sarahmae.com/2014/01/the-hidden-years/

      The truth is, I’m not sure you can do both right now if you don’t have the time or the capacity. I’m not saying don’t do anything, I believe very much in filling your soul and doing things you love so you can stay fully alive in this hard world, but you have little little ones, and I think maybe your season is with them, just writing in the margins? I don’t know. It’s so, so hard, and we are all so so different. You have to take into account personality, circumstances, capacity, etc. I don’t think you will fail, but I do think something always get sacrificed. My Caroline, I could have lost her heart had I kept going, but I slooooowed down in order to go after her, my one: http://sarahmae.com/2012/10/leaving-the-99-for-my-one-what-i-know-now-fresh-blog-start-day-11/. And now, honestly, I am so happy I am done with my book and nearly done with revising another one because I just want to raise my babies well and do the things that give me life. Writing books doesn’t give me life (in this season), but projects do. If writing gives you life, then you will find a way to do it when you can. Oh friend, I know this is so so hard and I am feeling for you. I’m praying for you. Keep me updated with where you’re at? Love you sister.

      • http://www.savvyhomemaking.com/ Julie Filter

        Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. For me, I have spent the last 10 years devoting most of my waking moments to my children. I have had many babies, worked through tantrums, screwed it up, got up and tried again, and now enjoy some truly lovely relationships with these amazing children. However, I also am learning that I have a stronghold in “fear of man” (a.k.a. Codependency), so I tend to give almost all of myself to the extreme end without asking or receiving from others, even if I am in desperate need. It appears that the Lord wants to walk me through this. Wow, I was so raw with the emotion and fear of this awakening when the Lord spoke to me this week (literally had an amazing moment where He confirmed that I needed to write a specific book I’ve had on my heart for 4-5 years), so it all came pouring out in my post to you. I find so much hope in your story and posts (I’ve never even read your books, lol…I just find you encouraging as a person…well, the Internet/blogging version I have in my head, lol), so I felt drawn to those who have gone before to find support, and I have. I’m so thankful. So, I think I’ve been crying for the past 4 days since He showed me what He wanted me to do, and it has been for a lot of reasons. I’m facing the end of myself and finding the beginning of Him. You see, I actually am the person who would be SOOOOOO content to just sit in the shadows and not be seen or heard, but God keeps pressing me gently do the opposite. The reason I want to sit in the back and hide in the shadows is because I am scared, not sure. I am scared of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, leading someone astray with my words or having my words twisted into lies that break them down and apart. The thought of this likelihood breaks me. And the same is true of my fear in the writing process; what if my kids resent me for not being there for them? What if they think I put other things ahead of them and didn’t love them? What if I ruin their relationship with God by causing the to feel abandoned and lost? Ultimately, there’s a lot of fear of failure in me; but, it’s AMAZING to be brought face to face with quite possibly the biggest stronghold of my existence and have the Lord explain to me the depth of His Grace and Sufficiency for me, my family, my readers

    • MDiskin

      Sarah’s right: some seasons of life are about writing in the margins. I had 4 pregnancies in 4 years followed by a thyroidectomy, so I felt like I literally carved out time to write. For a while I wrote from 4:30-7:30 every day, but now, I’m lucky to get even an hour of time all at once. Keep angling toward that goal, do what you can to create systems your kids can follow to free up moments that add up to something. Don’t give up. It’s never too late to start — but don’t put it off too long, either. Start by writing short things, if bits of time is all you have. Best of luck.

      • http://www.savvyhomemaking.com/ Julie Filter

        Thanks, MDiskin. I talked with my husband recently and we are going to work out a set day for me to focus on writing, so then it’s not hanging over my head otherwise and I can get a handle on the projects I have on my heart to do. Thanks for the well wishes! I appreciate them very much. Blessings!

  • Lauren Gillihan

    I get you! I wrote my first ebook, 1 Week to a Happier You, to give to the readers of my blog. Even though I write open posts, it felt very vulnerable putting a “book” out there.

    I too have had to learn how to embrace this gift called life – to find joy and contentment where I am. I am so thankful that God allowed me to discover several “tools” that have made all the difference in my being able to enjoy life. My life has been turned right-side-up as a result and I no longer feel like I am drowning. I am finally able to be happy.

    And it really is so simple. Supplementing with Vitamin D3, taking daily walks outdoors, getting adequate sleep, connecting with God and others etc. are foundational to me feeling good. They are foundational to me being a happy mother and wife and friend. They are foundational to me enjoying life and the work that God has for me each day.

    XO,
    Lauren

  • Lauren Gillihan

    I get you! I wrote my first ebook, 1 Week to a Happier You, to give to the readers of my blog. Even though I write open posts, it felt very vulnerable putting a “book” out there.

    I too have had to learn how to embrace this gift called life – to find joy and contentment where I am. I am so thankful that God allowed me to discover several “tools” that have made all the difference in my being able to enjoy life. My life has been turned right-side-up as a result and I no longer feel like I am drowning. I am finally able to be happy.

    And it really is so simple. Supplementing with Vitamin D3, taking daily walks outdoors, getting adequate sleep, connecting with God and others etc. are foundational to me feeling good. They are foundational to me being a happy mother and wife and friend. They are foundational to me enjoying life and the work that God has for me each day.

    XO,
    Lauren
    http://www.alifeenjoyed.com

  • Tina Morrison

    I read this article and thought you were talking about me. I didn’t think anyone felt like this. Like there was something wrong with me. I do deal will mental illness but this loneliness and sadness have nothing to do with depression, it’s something different. It makes it almost impossible for me to do just simple things cause I seem to not care about anything, even living. What I mean is, I feel like I have nothing to give. Getting out of bed is hard. I have no friends. I’m 43, I mean seriously? I’m lonely all the time with these pent up emotions and thoughts about everything with no one to talk to. I haven’t had my ahh ha moment like you but hopefully soon it will hit me like it did you. Thanks for giving me bit of hope.

    • NannyRita

      Look for your ahh ha moment everyday. Never give up hope. Make yourself get out of the house and engage in something or someone. You are able to write about your emotions well. Talk to someone about them, even if it’s online. Journal your feelings and try to keep your journal AND your thoughts positive. Write out a list of things you would like to do…then get started! Today is s good day. 😉

  • dealish

    Sarah Mae, I love your transparency. Thanks for writing and sharing. 🙂

  • Joy Thacker

    Oh Sarah, you are so right! God’s calling us to a much bigger life. We get lost in the mundane. The ordinary everyday acivities of daily motherhood are filled with hidden holy experiences, and we should look for them, but the enemy of our soul wants to devour us in the midst of the most important holy work in the world. It does feel like robot work so often.I love how you encourage us to come alive to ourselves. This is surly how God wants us to live. Alive to ourselves, others, and HIm, in a balance that brings Him all the glory, and to us the energy and rest that vibrates of heavenly life. Thanks for sharing from your heart so beautifully. I LOVED hearing you speak at Chap the other week. I greeted you after a couple of your speeches and gave you a cartoon card. I was just in your town, yesterday, visiting my father. I want to meet-up with you when I go back for another visit. We can chat over some croissants. 🙂 Please let me know if you’re up for that.

  • http://www.perceptionsandpassions.blogspot.com Kaitlin Evans

    This is fabulous!! I’ve had a recent awakening myself! Wait a minute! What am I doing?!

  • Jessica Lynn Nelson

    “I had to face the reality that it wasn’t going to come easy. I was going to have to fight. I had to make plans, and begin again and again.

    And again.

    Because my plans fail and because my body sometimes fails, and my hormones course through me and make me crazy. But I keep on. I’m fighting.”

    Oh, I am all up in this right now. It is hard! It is hard to begin again and again and again and not just give up. But I need to keep fighting. It really is such a conscious decision! And it will only be by God’s strength that I will persevere. Thank you for sharing your heart! It’s good to know that I’m not alone. <3

  • Jaclyn

    I soooo needed this. I haven’t been “living” for 2 years…. This was so encouraging to read. I’d like to hear more about your journey. It helps to not feel so alone. It’s hard to fight. And sometimes…a lot of the time I don’t always feel God fighting for me. I keep falling back into the same patterns. My life is slipping out of my hands… Just as you said. So perfectly worded. Just wanted to send encouragement to you…. What you are doing matters. This post matters….. Major food for thought for me today. I’ll reread this and pray for God to help me have that lightbulb moment as well. Seriously, I’m so thankful to have found your blog.

  • Amy Dalke

    Okay- so I know this post is older. I actually bookmarked it a year ago…and came across it again today. I could write an entire blog post series on how much I identify with the ache that forced you to either wake up or stay dead. I just kinda want to hug you. There’s so much good in hearing someone else KNOWS! “Me too” is the best kind of comfort. So thanks for that!

  • Christie

    It all sounds so easy – except when it’s not, when my mind and body and heart don’t seem to agree with the mantras I know are true to keep on keeping on, to just do it, to choose joy…. I feel like I have nothing left to give, nothing in me to even WILL myself to make the choices I know I need to.

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