The Truth About the Dark Days - Sarah Mae
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The Truth About the Dark Days

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I looked at my iPod. Which playlist should I pick to listen to while I wash my dishes.

My eyes went back and forth between my “Cleaning” playlist and my “Rend Collective” praise music list. I decided on the praise because it’s been a dark day.

I propped my iPod up on my kitchen window, pressed play, and as the words came out, something in me opened up.

I turned around, slid down to the floor on my knees and cried.

I think I’m in a bit of a depression.

And depression is this weird thing that you can’t really explain or give reason for. It just is.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me…” Psalm 42:5

I get this way from time to time, it’s just a darkness, and it seems to be a rhythm of my life, and I know it will lift. But it’s been a few weeks of struggling to do basic tasks, and I finally had to admit to myself that I’m in it. And I function. I’m kind of a functioning depressive, or so I told my friend this morning. I can be mostly okay, but in my home, going about the hours, everything is a mountain.

I had a class in college and I remember the professor telling us once that when you find yourself in a depressed place, that everything feels hard, and to just do something small as you can. Maybe you can just make the bed. Do that.

My small thing, right now, is writing this to you, because there is something in the writing that helps. Something about vulnerability and honesty that allows the process to take its course.

So here I am telling you that I’m depressed. But I’m also hopeful because God is with me, and He knows all of my heart and every bit of my soul, and He will be kind and tender with me through this. I’ve been here before.

So today, I’m going to be gentle with myself, and I’m going to slowly do my dishes, and I’m going to keep on knowing that I’m not alone.

I’m not going to believe the voice of the enemy and I’m not going to condemn myself. I am free, and I trust the healing in the heaviness.

If you are struggling with a dark day or days, hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. Listen to truth not accusation. You are loved, you are not a failure, you are going to be okay.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:5

“…whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:20

“…the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4

“In my failures You won’t walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea”

My Lighthouse, Rend Collective

Much love to you today,

SM

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  • Rachel Brophy Tooker

    Thank you for being real! I too struggle with depression and I know those times where you just take it moment by moment. You are amazing!

  • Kim T

    Thank you for your openness. It’s nice to know that other people have similar dark seasons. Rend Collective is also one of my main pick me ups. Thank you for sharing when you feel so low…

  • Jessica Lynn Nelson

    Did I write this?? Seriously. Thank you for sharing your heart. I needed this.

  • http://ahavenofchaos.com/ Sarah Centeno

    I have seasons of depression and anxiety and it is so overwhelming when I am in those seasons (which I currently am). I speak truth to myself, despite how difficult it is. Thanks for you honestly!

  • Stephania Whitfield

    I could have written this. This most recent darkness for me has seemed to drag on longer than before, and it has been rough. Thank you, thank you for sharing. This is a refreshing reminder that we are not alone in our struggles, and that The Lord is faithful to provide light in our darkness!

  • Kat

    You wrote what so many of us are feeling or have felt. Thank you for your honesty. I’m praying for your darkness to lift immediately and that Jesus will surround you with His love and peace.

  • Dana

    Prayers coming your way.

  • http://www.nccsouthboston.org/ Brance Gillihan

    I hope you see this!

    I have been a “functioning depressive” for as long as I can remember UNTIL a couple of years ago. I discovered that Vitamin D3 deficiency can look like depression and anxiety. Who new!?

    Supplementing with this vitamin has made the biggest difference in how I feel, hands down. My depression and anxiety have nearly disappeared completely. A huge miracle and blessing to me and my little family.

    My husband and I planted a small church in Boston four years ago and I homeschool our daughters. Our lives are so much easier now that I feel better!

    I talk about Vitamin D3 supplementation and 7 other (researched-backed) things that have helped me enjoy life in my free eBook http://www.alifeenjoyed.com/happier or you can reach me by email at lauren(at)alifeenjoyed(dot)com – I’d be happy to chat with you about my experience!

    I only wish someone had told me about this sooner!
    XO,
    Lauren

    • http://www.nccsouthboston.org/ Brance Gillihan

      Oops, I accidentally posted this with my huband’s account!

  • Kelly

    I too am here….so hard. Hard days. I know it will lift, but to walk through it without much support and needing to give to children is just tiring and difficult. Thank you for writing. I am not alone. Hugs.

  • Mic T

    This is a lovely blog post, beautiful and encouraging 🙂 xx

  • Bobbi

    Wow! I have been in your shoes (not the pretty ones In your giveaway) as so many others that have commented. I agree and relate to all. One item that I think helps me get ‘out’ quicker, whether it does or doesn’t, I feel like it does is to yell, “Devil go away! Get out! I am a child of God!” It’s not necessarily an immediate correction to my life, but it makes me smile. I mean, who actually yells something like that. I wish I had done it or thought about it when I had kid(s) at home. Counting blessing always helps too. I find I have more than I thought I did! Chin up! Big girl panties on, let’s go! Fake it until you make it. God is your fortress. You are loved.

  • Erin @ My Mommy World

    I know just how you feel….I get into these little fits of depression too from time to time. When I recognize that that is happening, I try to make sure to exercise more, even if I don’t feel like it…and give myself grace more than usual. I know it will pass eventually. I hope you feel better soon Sarah!

  • http://www.kindredspiritmommy.com/ Lindsey

    Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it. Not just that other Christian women deal with depression, but how to focus when you’re in the midst of it. I tend to be hard on myself and feel guilty for being downcast and unmotivated, even though I don’t control it. I can control where I look when I’m dealing with it, though. : ) And how I treat myself.

  • Adrienne

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • Mandy

    Oh Sarah Mae how did you know? Twice today now after crying before the Lord did He immediately respond with a devotional and then this. This couldn’t have been more perfect timing. Thank you thank you for being real and honest. And telling me yet again that it’s ok to not be ok. He loves me and He is right here.

  • Sarah Sue

    It seems the harder I try to find my way back to being happy and fulfilled and a joy to my husband the farther I fall behind. Depression is taking its toll on me. Life here in Our Neck Of The Woods is dragging me down.
    The holidays are always harder any more. Mom’s been gone for a year. I don’t get to see my family again.

    It’s been almost 10 years since my only child died and overall I am fine there. Till the holidays and even then I usually do ok. This year, the ache is there. The LONELINESS is terrible.
    Emotions and anger long buried, or so I thought are rising to the surface.
    Sarah, Thank you for being so open and honest her.
    Hugs Sarah

  • Jenny Howell

    Its a real thing! I have sat in many a counseling spots with gals hearing about depression and I hurt for that place they were in…but I never understood until after this last baby at 40. My body went to that scary out of body place and I couldn’t shake any of it. Thankful for my God who never left and although felt distant, I knew what I was feeling was not something I had chosen. Thankful for your words and speaking honestly about such a reality for so many.

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