Category Archives: Motherhood
The other day I was sitting with my one of my children when they looked up at me and said, “Mom, you look like Rumplestiltskin. Under your eyes are all scaly and kind of purple.”
THIS is the Rumplestiltskin they thought I looked like.
I said, “That’s not a very nice thing to say.” They grinned. They didn’t mean to be unkind, they just thought it was interesting and funny and fascinating, like they were just making an observation.
We carried on with our day, but a little while later I had a “tea and discipleship” time with each of my kids individually. I had each child come into my bedroom with some hot tea and cookies. I asked them what was on their heart, and then I shared with them what I saw in them and then addressed an issue I saw that I felt like needed to be acknowledged. When it was the child’s turn who told me I looked like Rumple, I began to open the Scriptures when, as though they couldn’t contain themselves, said again, “I just can’t help it mom, you look like Rumplestiltskin under your eyes.”
It was then that I started to cry.
It just happened; the tears flowed out and I covered my eyes and said, “That really hurt my feelings.” As I was wiping away my tears I saw that my child was crying too. So there we were, both crying, and both tender-hearted, and we hugged and my child said, “I’m sorry mom. You’re beautiful. I’m so sorry.”
I looked at my sorrowful child who felt the pain of hurting another person and said, “I know you’re sorry and I know you love me. I don’t mean to cry, but your words hurt my feelings. It’s important that we use words that build people up, not tear people down, do you understand?”
“Yes” came out through the sniffles.
My sweet child was repentant and they felt what I believe to be godly sorrow. They saw that their words hurt someone, and they felt it and they didn’t want to do it again. They didn’t want to use their words to hurt and tear down.
I’m glad I cried in front of my child. I wouldn’t have chosen it, but I’m glad it happened and I’m glad they felt sorrow.
After the sorrow came forgiveness and grace. And that’s the part I love the most, the forgiveness. It’s in forgiveness that my child gets to experience being in the light after something dark. It’s there where I can show them the sweet gift of gentleness and grace and kindness. Forgiveness in purity is the best. My hope and prayer is that forgiveness becomes an ingrained part of their psyche, this knowing that they don’t have to be ashamed or locked up, but that they can experience good guilt and then be set free to keep on in grace.
This is the dirt of parenting: vulnerability and humanity laid bare before our children; honesty mixed with love and grace and forgiveness. It’s in this dirt, I think, that our kids learn to be kind and compassionate and forgiving. I think it’s where they learn they are in it with one another, and this “in it-ness” leads them to know they are loved and that they can love. They are loved in the mess of their sin and humanity, as we are loved by God in our sin and humanity, and they can turn around and love others in their sin and humanity. Love and grace and forgiveness sets people free.
This is why God says to love and forgive, over and over and over, even when it’s hard, even when it hurts.
The hope is freedom.
So I’m hoping today that I will lead my children towards freedom and that you will too. I’m hoping that we will be women who are not afraid of our humanity or our tears or our mess laid bare before our children; that we are okay to not have “it” together. I hope we’ll be women who show our children that we are in this dirt with them. Messy and loved and free.
Thank you Jesus.
Yea, so I’ve been losing it the last few days. I know, you know, WE ALL KNOW. Some of it is hormones, some of it is just trying to figure out how to work (write) and raise you all well and keep a decently cleaned home (heh), homeschool you, and make dinner instead of ordering pizza, again.
But I’m just in this weird place of trying to figure it all out. I’m trying to figure out how to discipline you all so you listen and honor me and my words and for gosh sakes STAY IN BED. I’m trying. And sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because there’s three of you and one of me and your daddy is working so hard and I just…am going to screw it all up sometimes.
Right now, I’m locked in the bedroom and one of you is singing in a high pitched voice and I want to scream, “PLEASE JUST BE QUIET.” But you’re also giggling and enjoying each other even though I was harsh with you. You’re playing together and I love that.
Sometimes I just want to hide away, go under, under, under the covers until there’s quiet. I feel guilty for this, because somewhere in me there’s this twisted notion that I should have it all together by now, especially as an adult, a mom, a Christian. But here’s the thing kids, I do not have it together. Obviously. And it’s why I need Jesus and it’s why you do too, because I will let you down. I will fail you sometimes. I will yell and I will regret it, and I will say I’m sorry a thousand times and mean it every time. And I will get better because God’s working in me, but I won’t ever be completed this side of heaven.
I am dust. And dust is messy.
You are dust too.
Here’s the good news: we are dust together, imperfect, prone to screw up, humans through and through, but we have the breath of God in us and the Holy Spirit divinely entwined with us.
I am weak and strong, holy and sinful. We have this in common, you all and me.
So what I really want to say is this: I love you so much it hurts, and I am grateful every day that you are my kids, my people, my team. I love who you are and I see God in you and I love watching you unfold into who you’re becoming. I love you and my love never changes, even when my moods do. Even when I lose it or when I hide away, it’s never you, it’s me. I am learning every day, by faith, how to keep going and mother you well and be okay with this frail me.
And don’t you think for a second that I’ll give up. I won’t. I will keep going because that’s what love does. Love never fails.
Jesus never fails. He will never let you down, and when you think He has, you wrestle it out with Him and cry and go through all the guttural feelings as you pray, “Teach me to see you, God.”
When you have wrestled it out and settled it in your soul that He is good, you will see Him. And you will know down into the deepest places of your being that He will never leave you or fail you or unlove you.
Hang on for dear life to Him.
I will too.
Because we’re in this together.
Now, as a wise older woman once said to me, “Go splash some water on your face and get back to it.”
Here I go.
Your mama, SM
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It’s weird how the smallest things can set a mom off.
And by weird I mean normal because oh our sinful hearts.
The other day I got so mad at one of my kids. I had asked them if they wanted to do something, they said no, then changed their mind so I gave them an instruction based on that, they changed course, and BOOM, set me off. It was so dumb that I would get mad, but I felt so mad. It didn’t help that I was already in an irritated mood. My child had blocked my goal, unintentionally, and it threw me and my heart came up out of my mouth and I said some unkind things to my child. I also gave them the “mean” look. You know the look. I don’t like wearing that look.
I took a deeeeeeeeep, deep breath, and calmed down.
I hate when my kids see my claws.
I looked at my child and I said, “I’m sorry I sinned against you in my anger. I was wrong. Will you forgive me? Come here, let me hug you. <good cuddles> Also, you need to obey when I tell you something. I need you to do your best to listen to me, okay?”
Hugs, forgiveness, we made it another round. All is well.
There is just something about sharing close spaces with people day in and day that can make you a little crazy. Throw in our sin nature, our bents, personalities, life, and sometimes we are primed for an explosion. We are human. We’re going to blow it, which is why we need Jesus. And it’s why our kids need Jesus. We are all loved but in desperate need of help.
To the moms out there who are reading this and feeling like you’re just so angry sometimes and you don’t want to be, but you think you’ll never change, listen: It can get better.
I used to think I’d always be this hormonal, angry, emotional mess, but I have seen God work in my life and calm my anger and my sinful reactions. And I am already seeing Him do that in my children, as we talk through things and I give them my time, and pray. All of this imperfectly, but with earnest desire to love well.
If you want to see change, if you don’t want to blow up so easily, if you want a good relationship with your kids that isn’t clouded by anger, read on. I have some hard-earned, God-is-so-kind-to-help-us, wisdom to offer you.
Check Your Heart
“For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45 (NIV)
“…what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It’s from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing.” Matthew 15:19 (Message)
Anger is an awful feeling when it lets itself loose and does damage. Anger, in and of itself isn’t bad, but what can come from it if not checked is. Lashing out in anger makes you feel out-of-control. It makes you feel ugly and dirty and self-righteous and so many mixed-up things. But the worst is the aftermath, after you’ve let loose and you wish you could take back what in the moment seemed so justified. I had a mentor in college say, “99% of anger isn’t righteous anger.” I don’t know where he got that stat but I find it to be true in my own life. Most of the time our anger is wrapped up in the lies we believe about ourselves, the world, and God. There is also our histories and wounds and sinfulness and self-protection and just plain selfishness there too. It’s hard to lay down our anger when our blood is pumping and our senses are heightened and the dark feels stronger than the light.
If you get what I’m saying, and you overcome by your anger, if you find your kids setting you off more and more and you’re not sure how to control it but it’s eating you up, there is a solution. Just like the check engine light in your car goes off if there’s a problem, your anger is alerting you that there is a problem. Ask God why. Ask God what is going on in your heart. Ask Him about your anger, and ask Him to lead you in the right way. He will answer you, but that doesn’t mean a quick fix. Often He’ll reveal something to you and you’ll have to go through a time of uncovering, healing, and suffering to get to the other side (soul work is often gutting). But He hears you, and if you’re willing to let Him lead you, your anger and angry reactions will lessen. You will become a calmer person; you’ll have more peace in your heart, and you’ll know how to slow down the anger train.
I know because I’ve seen God work in me. Do I still get angry sometimes? Yes! Do I still blow it? Yes! But not as much, not as quick, and not as harmful.
There is hope for you and your anger.
“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)
Whenever I’m talking with someone who is depressed or anxious or angry and they are trying to figure out what’s going on, I tell them to write down every time they are triggered. What happens right before the explosion or the anxiety or the depressed feelings (not talking chemical depression). Often, especially in regards to anger, something has hit on a button that is unique to that person. For example, when I was fresh out of college I began to meet with a group of college girls to read the Bible with them and mentor them. Another woman, who was older than I was, talked to these girls about doing something with her as well, a leadership type thing to train them. When I found out, I was so mad! How could she go behind my back to “take my girls”? I called up someone who oversaw our ministry and I told him what she was doing. That is when he said to me what I mentioned earlier in my post, “99% of anger isn’t righteous. Let’s talk about this.” At first I was taken back. What is he talking about, she is clearly wrong and I have every right to be angry! I realized later that my issue with her was really my issue with me. I struggle with the lie that I am not good enough, and when she approached the girls about doing something with her, my lie triggered like a heart punch. My heart was screaming, “See, you’re not good enough! She is doing this because you really are no good.” She was blocking my goal of me feeling good enough, smart enough, capable enough. But she really wasn’t. She was just offering these girls an opportunity to also learn how to become leaders. It had nothing to do with me.
All this I shared might not make any sense because it isn’t rational. It’s a heart thing. I guarantee you have triggers that make you snap, and you don’t even know why you are so angry, but your heart knows, and it’s trying to protect you. You have decided that you will be a good mom, or a smart mom, or a perfect mom, or something, and when that goal is blocked, the claws come out because your heart will do anything to protect you from pain.
A good start to figuring out why you’re so angry is to pay attention to the triggers. Get curious. See if there’s a pattern. Write it down. What can you can learn? What questions can you answer? God will be working with you on this, so just pay attention.
The more you deal with your junk, the less damage you’ll do to your kids. (Tweet that.)
Every few weeks I turn into a crazy lady. I am crying one minute and wanting to stab someone the next. My friends in college used to joke that I could never be President because I would bomb someone every month.
It’s probably true.
I am a VERY hormonal woman. So was my mother. She used to put on the calendar when to stay away from her lest you be in her path of destruction.
I’m not making excuses for anger, but I am saying hormones are the real deal and can seriously mess with your steady-ness. Know your rhythms, take care of yourself, warn your people, and walk away.
Know Your Tipping Points
That is my tipping point. If my kids get out of bed after I’ve put them in bed, I LOSE MY MIND.
If I hear them talking after I’ve put them in bed, I LOSE MY MIND.
Bedtime is my tipping point, so I have to be wise and kind with my kids and myself around bedtime, making sure everyone has their water, is tucked in, prayed for, and set for a good night sleep. If I take the time to prepare for bedtime and give my kids what they need, I have reduced the bedtime angst.
It’s worth the time.
Speaking of time…
Take the Time
Speaking of time, the truth is, if you don’t want to be so angry at your kids, you’re going to need to teach them, discipline them, nurture them, and see them as the precious, eternal souls that they are and that mothering is Kingdom work (tweet that.)
There is no shortcut here. The more you spend time with your kids, loving them the way they feel loved, correcting them, and guiding them, the more delight they will bring you. More delight, less anger. And yes, it’s hard and you will do this so wildly imperfectly, but don’t give up. God made you a mother and your work is eternal and good and planned before time!
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10
“Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” Proverbs 29:17
Ask Forgiveness Over and Over
Take that deep breath, grab your kiddo, and ask for forgiveness. Every time you sin in your anger, ask forgiveness. Tell them it grieves God’s heart when you sin against them in your anger. Be honest. Tell them when they’ve done something wrong, but also apologize for your part.
Kids are so gracious and willing to forgive with such genuineness, but you must acknowledge your sin and ask. I am so grateful for the sweetness that comes from forgiveness.
Here’s to more peace, less anger, and genuine delight in our mothering!
It’s hard to imagine now, but my sweet Caroline almost drove me to the mental institution.
God bless her, I honestly thought I wasn’t going to make it. I mean, I wrote a book called, Desperate, mainly because of that precious, out-of-the-box girl. I remember calling up my mentor Sally one day and saying, “What am I going to do with her? She won’t listen and she gets out of bed 10,000 times a night?!” Sally responded, “I really think if she could obey you she would.” From there she taught me some ways to love Caroline and nurture her and guide her sweet soul as she was, a “different” child who wasn’t going to conform.
What a delight she is to me!
Sally knows a thing or two about raising a “different” child, so her advice and encouragement is gold to me. Which is why when she sent me her new book, written with her “OCD, ADD, OH-MY-GOODNESS” son Nathan, I knew I was going to devour it. Which I did.
This week Sally and her son Nathan released that wonderful book, and it’s called, Different: The Story of an Out-Side-the-Box Kid and the Mom Who Loved Him (get a copy here). Sally has protected her family by keeping certain stories hidden from the public sphere, until now. In Different, we are offered a vulnerable look behind the curtain into the story of a son with mental illness and a mother who fought to love well even when it felt impossible. The stories and truths in Different have not been shared before, and they will absolutely bring hope and freedom to those who struggle with their “different” children. If you ever look at your beautiful, different child and think, I can’t do this; it’s just too hard, then this book is a must-read.
I asked Sally’s son Nathan if he would share some advice for us moms so we could get into the heads of our kids, so to speak. Yes, we are all different and our kids aren’t like another person’s kids, but his perspective and insight is so helpful as I navigate raising my own children with empathy and wisdom. Below is the interview. Enjoy!
Nathan, what is your biggest piece of advice for moms who have out-of-the-box or different kids?
For me it was so valuable to have someone who accepted me completely. I know that not everyone will understand how and why I do things sometimes, even my mom. But to have a space where I was allowed to be unapologetically me, without pretense, or pressure to preform, allowed me to love the person God had created me to be. My mom didn’t always get me, but she lived with the knowing that God had desired me the way he had for a purpose— so she decided to love, encourage, train, and accept me the way I was made without trying to force me into a box of societal or social expectations. That didn’t mean she didn’t train me, stretch, or push me to be my best, but it meant when she did, she did it accepting the direction God has created me to move towards.
Sometimes as moms it feels like, “Am I even getting through to my child?!” Can you tell us what worked best in getting through to you?
Sometimes I think people have a conception that they need to be louder or more firm to get someone to listen. But often times what helped me connect, learn, and understand, is when someone took the time to see me, hear me, and approach me with grace. I can remember being so frustrated at the world around me as a kid which could make me lash out and talk-back. But in the midst of those times when my mom would take me off alone on a walk, or scratch my back and ask me what was on my mind, often I would feel the frustration dissipate more and more as I felt little by little more understood.
What was the hardest part about being different?
Well, let me say this: EVERY kid is “different” in their own way. Some may be quiet, some may be loud, but whatever your “differences” are I think very often they can make us, and made me, feel very alone and separated. And the deepest desire of every humans is to feel loved and known. So when we have these unique traits in our lives that make us feel alienated we can start to resent the way God has made us. But as I grew up in a home that facilitated an environment of unconditional love, I began to find value in the way I was made, and learned to believe that my differences weren’t disorders to destroy, but strengths to hone.
How should moms discipline a “different” kid?
I can imagine it would be so hard to know how to handle a “different” kid like me. I can’t even imagine how much of a handful I was! But I think when we look at the example of how Jesus interacted with the ones he loved around him, we find a man who was eternally forgiving and graceful, while continuously loving enough to not let people stay in the destructive patterns they were in. So I think it’s a delicate balance that parents have to walk in figuring out how to hold the tension between giving grace and giving guidance. But when both are present and from a place of love, I believe God can work in even the hardest and most “different” of kids.
What would you want other different kids to know?
I think I would want them to know they’re not alone. That while our differences can make us feel alone sometimes., EVERYONE is different in their own way. And these “different” things about we have are also the things that make us uniquely us. That God will tell an amazing story no one else could, not in spite of our differences but because of them.
Listen to Sally and Nathan talk about how to raise a “different” child
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I was at the salon having my twice a year therapy session.
You do know hair stylists are counselors, right? Of course you do. Anyway.
I was having my
stylist counselor HANDLE THE GRAY SITUATION when we started talking about motherhood. I was telling her that I was just tired. I have parented now for 11 years and am half-way done. In 11 more years my children will be grown. WHOA. And there’s this idea that my kids are old enough to raise themselves, that I can kind of coast. And it’s true, and it’s tempting, because THEY ARE ACTUALLY OLD ENOUGH TO RAISE THEMSELVES. I mean, not really, but they can make food and not toddle down stairs. I don’t have to do that much to ensure their survival. But I’m not just wanting them to survive; I want to keep on in nurturing their souls and finishing this parenting race well. And by “well” I mean doing the best I can…giving myself to the work faithfully. I don’t want to regret my long, short parenting years.
But ya’ll, I’m a bit weary…a bit…in need of fresh vision.
When I was a new mom I had TONS of vision. I read all the parenting books. I froze fresh cut vegetables and fruit and put them in ice cream trays. I actually bought a SQUASH, cut it up, blended it up, and froze that too. I sewed Christmas and Easter dresses for my baby girl. I went to all the library functions for moms with little ones, and I did crafts and I sang Scripture and I read books and I did ALL THE THINGS to be the best mother I could. As it is with all moms, I was wildly imperfect, but I was determined and on mission to raise my kids well and invest as best I could into them. As I’m sure you have.
That mission is still in my bones, and yet, I need encouragement to keep going.
I had a conversation recently with my Father-in-Law about how I was feeling (we were doing the dishes and, like the salon, therapy is bound to take place in the kitchen). He reminded me of two things: 1.) I am in a reprieve period with my kids, so I should enjoy it and take the time to rest up. He wasn’t saying to coast or ease up on parenting, but rather to see the season for what it is, a time where my kids will still cuddle and ask my opinion and listen to me read books and Scripture to them and help themselves to some cereal and there is innocence and sweetness all around. I get this. I want to rest in and delight in it. Especially because I’m tired. This is my slow walk (I’m still moving though) before the sprint. 2.) He reminded me that attacks will come down the pike. We’ll have to deal with things in the coming years that we haven’t yet had to contend with. As our children move towards independence and figuring out their worlds and all that the culture wants to throw at them, we’ll be in a new battle. Know it and prepare your heart and your mind for it.
I’m listening. Rest up and enjoy the season; prepare for the rest of the race.
So how do we prepare for the rest of the race, the second leg so to speak?
How do we keep our endurance up and stay focused on the mission?
How do we keep on?
Well, here is one thing I know for sure right now: I can mother.
(That sounds kind of awesome, doesn’t it? It is.)
I can mother (and you can mother) and I will mother and I will pace myself and I will KEEP GOING. That’s the biggest thing, to just KEEP GOING. I won’t give up. I won’t lose heart.
Our mothering, our choosing to nurture and bring up our children, it matters. God has prepared us for this since before the beginning of time; He has planned this good work of mothering for us to do.
Me, you, we are doing Kingdom work, right now, that was planned for us to do before we even had breath in our lungs. WE ARE ON MISSION. And that is pretty motivating. THAT is some vision to keep going.
So in His strength and power, we can, we will keep on. Be thou our vision.
Love and grace and all the cake (with some spinach thrown in later so we don’t regret the cake decision),
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:2
This is an old photo, but it seemed fitting. 🙂 Also, LOOK AT MY CARE! So little. So precious. Like my friend Amy says, “Babies don’t keep.”