Sexual abuse happens all the time, to girls and boys.

In light of the recent, horrific scandal at Penn State (my Alma mater), I want to ask that you take very seriously how prevalent sexual abuse is.

It happens in church Sunday schools, Awanas, and vacation bible schools.

It happens at summer camps.

It happens with friends.

It happens with uncles and aunts.

It happens with family friends.

It happens with those you trust.

It happens at the Day care.

It happens at the babysitters.

It happens even when you’re around.

Adults abuse children. Children who were abused abuse other children (often times).

It is a cycle that has crept into the childhood landscape bringing shame and trauma. And listen friends, your children aren’t just going to tell you about it.

You must ask them. You must ask specific questions. You must take the time to gently, lovingly, talk with them. Even as young as two years old (very gently and wisely).

Ways to talk to your little ones about abuse:

“God made our bodies, and no one is ever supposed to touch your private parts {be specific in naming the parts and pointing them out}.”

“Has anyone ever touched your bum (or whatever word you use)?” Ask if anyone has ever touched any of their private parts – go through each part specifically. Ask if anyone has showed them their private parts.

Do all of this gently and without a trace of shaming in your voice. Let it be natural, and smile. Keep it light.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to the child’s stuffed animal, asking them questions about your child (so that your child can have the stuffed animal respond).

If you notice your child acting strangely, or getting grumpy or difficult before you go to a certain place, take note-ask questions-be alert! Take note about how they act differently than other children in otherwise normal situations. You’ve got to be an attentive parent. Pay attention!

Listen! Always listen to your children. They can’t always communicate clearly. If they say they don’t like someone or don’t want to be around them, or they say, “bad person” or anything like that, listen! It maybe their way of alerting you.

Believe a child if they tell you they are being abused. 

Don’t make your child hug someone they don’t want to. Don’t make your child be held by someone they don’t want to be held by.

Let them know you are a safe place for them and will always listen to them.

There is so much shame in sexual abuse that children rarely say anything.

Above all else, pray. Pray that nothing would happen to them that hasn’t first gone through their heavenly Father’s loving hands. Pray that Jesus’ voice would be lounder than the enemy’s.

Also, remember that children are just that, children. They can’t be expected to protect themselves. You may tell your child that if anyone touches them they can scream or slap them…and I say, yes, tell them that. But remember that if someone does abuse them and they don’t scream or slap them, they may feel shame that they didn’t do that. So make sure that you tell them that it’s okay if they don’t, and just to always tell mommy and daddy.

Be trustworthy. Talk with gentleness. Pay attention to your gut.

Don’t leave your children alone with anyone that you do not absolutely trust. Don’t take a chance.

You can’t control evil, and you will not always be able to protect your child from abuse, but you can pray.

Never stop praying for your children.

If something has happened to your child…

Know that God is faithful and is with your child and your family. Don’t beat yourself up, abuse happens in families where the parent is attentive – evil finds a way. Go to God and accept grace so you can move forward and help your child. Pray for your child that Jesus’ voice would be louder than the enemy’s, and that your child would listen to Jesus’ voice. Ask the Lord for a verse for your child that you can pray over them. And friend, keep steady. You are fighting a spiritual battle for your child. Don’t give up, stay alert, persevere. It’s hard work, and you will have to make sacrifices. Keep on. Believe that God will bring good (He is faithful, but the enemy will try and steal this truth from you). Pray for discernment on whether or not you should put your child in counseling, and ask God for specific ways to help your child in the short run and the long run. Finally,

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Ephesians 6:10-18

 SM

Recommended reading:

7 Steps to Protect Children from Sexual Abuse

The Molester

Warning signs of possible abuse

Protecting Against Child Abuse in Your Church

“Slate of Eight” Restitution Suggestions for SGM & CLC

P.S. Get pornography out of your house. Period.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” Luke 15:4

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of attending the Mom Heart Leadership Intensive hosted by Sally Clarkson.

During our time we talked about wisdom and legacy and intention and beauty. We cozied up in Sally’s living room and the living rooms of her friends, and were encouraged by older women who, for three days, poured into us their knowledge, life experiences, and wisdom. I have pages of notes worth more than gold, but there was one thing that was said during the weekend that stopped me in my tracks; one thing that I knew was meant for me:

“Jesus left the 99 to go after the one.”

Caroline.

The Holy Spirit spoke deep into be my bones and I knew, I knew that He was telling me to leave the blog readers and the platform and the worry that comes with wanting to minister to the many and instead to go after the one, to go after my Caroline. I was to pursue hard after her heart. She would be my first priority.

What I Know Now

I know that if you have a little one who is acting out or having troubles or that is driving you up a wall, you need to “leave” what has the bulk of your time and attention and go after that one. Make winning their heart a top priority. Don’t wait.

Love, SM

Ann Voskamp wrote the foreword to Desperate. 

I’m telling you not because I think it’s completely wonderful (it is!), but because she wrote it while sitting in the ER. After I received her foreword, I called Sally and said, “I don’t think I could have done what she did, writing this beautiful, thoughtful forward while sitting in the ER with a nasty bronchial infection. Heck, I can’t write if I have a cold!”

Sally replied,

“Ann is a professional.”

And I lost my words.

I always have a million “good” reasons not to follow-through with something I said I would do. I’ve gotten too busy, or I’m sick, or I just don’t want to do it anymore.  The word “professionalism” has never entered my mind. Wow.

Ann is an expert at her work. She not only has a gift, but she chooses to keep at it. Sally is this way as well, and so I have before me two wise women who refine their gifts day in and day out, and who keep their word. I want to join their ranks. I want to live out of integrity, because really, that’s what a professional is, someone who has integrity. They are an expert because they choose what to do and what they will be able to do, and then they do it. And they do it well, because they know their strengths and their limitations.

What I also know about those two women is that they choose to be “professional” in their homes first. They have spent hours and hours investing in their families, and I would say they are experts with their family puzzle (as Sally calls it). They have not offered crumbs, but feasts of their time and energy. I am grateful for their example.

I don’t want to be Sally or Ann or anyone else, but I do think it is prudent to emulate wise women.

Professional women.

Women of integrity.

What kind of woman do you want to be? 

Find wise women to learn from; watch them, invite them to coffee, get to know them. They are a gift.

There are some days when I am so tired not even coffee can keep my eye lids functioning at a normal rate.

I’m dragging. I’m not doing crafts today. I’m not taking them on a walk. I’m not reading to them. We’ll get a smidgen of school work done, the basics.

These are not the days I want to live as life, but there are some days like these, and I’m just going to have to give myself grace.

Grace as I head to the movie store so there can be a movie day.

Grace to feed them store bought pumpkin pie, string cheese, and apple cider for lunch…and maybe even dinner.

Grace to try again tomorrow.

I know some people will think I’m being a bad mother. I’m being irresponsible. But I think I’m a good mother who is in process, and who some days, just needs a string-cheese, movie marathon kind of day.

There are enough “shoulds” in the world of a mother. Today, instead of “should” I’m saying, “could”.

I could take it easy on myself during certain times of the month when a gal is just flat out tired.

I could believe that God is just as pleased with me today as He is on the days when I’m rockin’ and rollin’ as a mama.

I could believe that my babies are okay when I’m a sack of potatoes.

I could believe that a movie marathon day won’t ruin their brains (depending on what they watch 

I think we’ll all just be okay today.

Pass the pie.

Perusing through the kids section in Barnes & Noble where I worked, I began to make mental lists of the books I wanted my kids to read. Not only did I make a few lists, I picked up a book and took it to my locker to purchase later, in preparation for the day I would have my own little ones to read to. Walking back to the kids section, my assigned domain for the day, I continued to daydream about how wonderful it would be to have children.

I pictured a pig-tailed little girl running around with me in a pumpkin patch. I imaged many adventures I would take with my future girl, and I dreamed of sitting around a table with many children laughing and singing and eating together in harmony. I studied up on discipline techniques, and I read a slew of parenting books. My major in college was human development and family studies with an option in children, youth, and family, which surely put me on track to being an expert as a mother.

There were going to be no surprises because I had parenting all figured out.

Not only did I have parenting figured out, I relied on my grand ideals to usher in reality. I reasoned that because I wanted children and wanted to spend my days with them teaching and nurturing them, of course my ideals would come true.

Of course.

And then I had children, three of them, in five years.

Here is where I tell you what I know now.

What I Know Now

I know that it’s wise to have ideals. Ideals help us to persevere and have vision for our hopes and dreams. They are a standard that helps us focus on our goals. However, ideals can quickly turn into idols if we rely on them/put our hope in them instead of relying on Jesus and how He made us.

How Do You Know If You’ve Made an Ideal An Idol?

The biggest indication that you’ve made an ideal into an idol is that you become angry, depressed and/or anxious when your ideals aren’t working out how you envisioned them.

Looking back, I know that my ideals of motherhood were an idol. In all my dreaming, I had never considered my personality, my bents, trials I would encounter, the reality of sin in daily life, my own selfishness, my own limitations, exhaustion, marriage difficulties, and a million other intricacies that are of life and of me.

When our faith is strong in Jesus, we can weather the falling apart of some of our ideals. When we have put too much stock in our ideals, and they fall apart, so will we.

How Do You Avoid Making an Ideal an Idol

Give your ideals, which is fancy way of saying “standards”, to the One who knows every piece of you. Offer to Him your dreams, and ask Him to give you vision and faith. Remember that you are not a robot; you have a unique personality and woven skill sets and gifts imprinted in the weaving. You cannot be someone else. You are made gloriously! Accept who you are, your weaknesses and your strengths, and trust God will the details (Tweetable). If you have His Holy Spirit intertwined with your spirit, you are being matured and perfected. Let that work be good enough. Let the failures come, look to Jesus, and keep walking. The standards you’ve put on yourself are probably not the ones God puts on you. His standards? Believe in Him; have faith! He sits on a throne of grace, and His burden for you is light.

Ideals are good and helpful. The key is to take our ideals and put them in the hands of God, having faith in His plans and ways, and then walking daily with Him and communing with Him, always asking, “Lord, what do you say?”

Keep on!