My babes are my crew, and we do life together.

Yesterday my crew and I were driving home from the grocery store and I was thinking about how great it was that they could be with me while I shopped.

Sidenote: I have not always considered taking my babes grocery shopping with me “great.” Um, more like, not so great. More like, let me go by myself so I can get through the grocery shopping in less than an hour, without whining, potty breaks, “want-ies”, and so on. Also, going to the store by myself? Vacation! 

But now, now I’m pretty grateful I have them with me because I have the opportunity to teach them how to shop for groceries, and this weekly time I have with them, if I’m intentional about using the time well, will serve them in their future years.

Bonus: If I teach them to meal plan, shop, and cook, mama won’t have to cook every night! Score.

I love the idea of helping my children navigate life and homemaking and love and warmth. I want to be their guide, their advocate, their walk-along-side friend, mentor, and mama. I don’t have on rose-colored glasses about training them, and many days it I think I fail more than I succeed at training them, but I’m trying. I’m choosing to give it what I got, what I never had, and I’m doing it because I love them and want them to have strong foundations. I want them to go into their adult lives with real skills and knowledge of how to live practically in the day-to-day.

In Chapter 6, you read that both Sally and I had a lack of training for life – specifically in domestic skills. Sally thought that having children of her own and caring for a home would be like playing house, “like I did when I was a little girl.” I guess I shared that same mentality. I always wanted to be a mom and a homemaker, so I always assumed it would come naturally to me.

Um, no.

So so so very unnaturally to me is cleaning and organizing and being un-selfish, and playing with and training little ones. I have gone through a cycle in my “re-training”: pride (I can learn everything from a book and implement it seamlessly – it’s just a choice after all!) —–> self-reliance (I will get this all figured out, I will!) —–> faint-heartedness (I will get better…tomorrow) —–> resentment (why did you make the way I am God? I wish I was like so and so) —–> depression (I will never get it together, so why bother) —–> hope (I don’t have to be like anyone else, God made my personality and bents and He loves me and will help me), and finally —–> resolve (I will not change, but I will mature; I will take each day step-by-step by faith in the power of the Holy Spirit).

Sally’s perspective in Chapter 6 was a game-changer for me – she revolutionized my thinking when it comes to training. Here are three things I want to leave you with that have encouraged me and helped me to persevere and live lovingly and practically:

Three “Helps” To Keep You Going As You Train Yourself and Your Babes

1. Remember oxen.

Seriously. Solomon says in Proverbs 14:4, “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean…”

Really, need I even comment? I’ll just say this, life with oxen children is messy, accept that the mess never ends…at least for more than 10 minutes.

“I need to decide to accept the work as a normal part of life and not struggle against it. The first step in dealing with the frustration of housework is to understand it is never going to go away.” -Sally Clarkson, p. 73, Desperate

2. “Five-sies”

I love love love what Sally calls, “Five-sies”! Part of me wants to say, “if you want to know what it is you will have to buy the book!” {wink wink} But I won’t do that (you should still buy the book though). 

Here is what Sally says about “Five-sies”:

“We developed the practice of “Five-sies.” This meant that on most days, around five in the afternoon, I would set a timer for fifteen minutes, put on some music, give out assignments to the kids, and say, “If we can get the house mostly straightened in fifteen minutes, we will share a “Five-sies” snack.” When we were done cleaning, I would light a candle and put out a tray of cheese sticks, some sliced fruit, a few roasted nuts, or some whole grain crackers, and we would spend ten minutes of civility together. I made an anchor of it in my day in which I could get the main areas straightened up…”

“Five-sies” might look different for your family (for mine it’s hot chocolate), but the point is, give you and your babes something fun to look forward to each day as a reward for getting your home in order. The habit will become an anchor, and your babes will look forward to it every day, and they will remember it and probably start the tradition in their own families one day. Doesn’t that just make you smile? Me too.

3. Foundation of Love

What is the goal of your training? For me it is ultimately to create a foundation of love for my family and future generations. When we teach out babes basic skills, and we work alongside them, and invest in our domains and in each other, what we are doing is loving. We are loving God by loving others, we are loving our future grand-babies our children’s spouses, and all those who encounter our family and their future families. If we can instill a depth of love and warmth into our children through our homes and our teaching, it will impact people…the world…for years to come. I like this, and it motivates me to keep on.

You can do it! Keep on!

SM

He was 2 1/2 and I spanked him. I spanked him over and over and over again, because I thought I was doing the right thing, the godly thing. I needed him to obey, there was no other option.

I was tired and overwhelmed, and I just wanted compliance. I wanted him to honor me by obeying me; I wanted be biblical in the training of my child. I wanted to raise an obedient child so that one day he would be great; godly.

But my son, with the bright blue eyes, he was sad. Very, very sad.

He thought he was bad; not the bad in the understanding that we are all born with a sinful bent, but the bad as in an “I’m not lovable” bad. And he wasn’t just sad, he was angry. He was angry because he didn’t think he could change. He was angry that he couldn’t help his immaturity. He was angry that we just kept trying to spank the immaturity out of him.

And when he looked at me with wet eyes and said, “God doesn’t love me” I broke.

Spanking, first-time obedience, over and over and over and over, and honor, and love, and sadness and anger, and we both just broke.

This way of love was not working.

My husband and I learned a new way, slowly and fumbling, we learned how to love our son and nurture his soul in compassionate ways. We began listening to him more, rubbing his arms, looking in his eyes, relating with him (we sin too), and finding ways to guide his heart towards good…towards the kindess and love of God.

I learned the art of stepping down from my rank as the authority and putting myself in his shoes. Remembering the mind of a child, the immaturity, the limited understanding, the just trying to figure out my world curiosity. And when I do this, when I remember and allow myself to see through his eyes, I am following in the way of Jesus.

Jesus, who humbled himself by stepping down from his rank to live as us, among us. He wore flesh and saw through human eyes, and He had compassion on the people. He had compassion on me.

And He has been ever so gentle with me, as I’m just figuring out my world; as I’m figuring out how to fit perfect into fallen. He is in me, perfection, and His Spirit is intertwined with mine, and I’m just working it all out, this life with Him. He is maturing me slowly, gently, with His kindness and compassion.

His gentleness is making me great.

And it is the gentleness that I am learning to show my son, to raise my babies, that I believe will make them great.

“…your gentleness makes me great.” Psalm 18:35

The other night I was in Barnes and Noble on a date with my Caroline. She was already a bit on edge for who knows why, so it was no surprise that right before we went to leave, she decided to have a meltdown, over juice. I told her “no” to the juice and that is when she plopped down in the middle of the cafe floor and proceeded to scream, “I want JUUUUUUUICE!” On the floor, in B & N, in front of everyone in the cafe. I look around, assess the situation, and try and figure out how I’m going to deal with this. I could,

A.) Buy her the juice

B.) Quietly, calmly, and sternly tell her to come to me (all while giving her the mean mommy eye) and hope that she would immediately get up and obey by coming to me

C.) Pick her up, listen to her scream, and get out of the store as quickly as possible because I’m not buying the juice and I know the calm mommy thing is an ideal that I never mastered.

I walk over, pick her up, and whisper, “if you don’t get up right now I’m going to strangle you  you are in massive trouble.” I’m sweating now, but I carry the little screaming banshee out of the store and to the car.

I’m trying; I’m doing my best. Caroline has thrown me for a loop in my parenting, and let’s just say I’m a much more humble woman because of it. Which is a good thing, because now when I see mama who has a screaming child in the grocery store, I just nod the “I know, mama, I know, keep on” nod. Motherhood is hard; we need compassion.

Where was I…

Ah yes, the joy of motherhood.

Seriously, I do love being a mom, and my babies are a gift, and I can’t stand how much I think they’re amazing. But underneath the amazing, they are crazy {albeit precious} people just trying to figure out their worlds, and in doing so they rock yours.

And basically, that’s what the introduction is about, acknowledging the “rocking” and not pretending everything is wonderful. Do you know how freeing it is to feel not alone? To feel like you aren’t crazy for not having it all together in motherhood? I have received dozens of emails from moms who have read just the beginning of Desperate and it brought them to tears. Emails like this:

“I just had a chance to look at it this morning and I am crying because you are writing me: my life, my thoughts, my secret feelings, some I’ve mentioned to my husband, but some still those thoughts in my heart I’m afraid to voice aloud.  I can’t wait to read more.  So refreshing after reading so many “Christian wife & mother” books that just leave me with a weight of burdens on my back, everything I “should” be doing/feeling/thinking, but am not.”

Why the tears? Because they know that someone gets it, someone hears them, someone cares about the days they aren’t sure they’re are going to make it.

But it doesn’t stop with the relating, oh no, because that’s not enough. Moms need each other, we need to lavish grace on each other, do the motherhood nod in the grocery store, but we also need mentors. We need women willing to share their life-offerings with us. We need that kind of life-lived encouragement, the kind that says, “you can do this, you will do this, and you don’t have to do it alone.”

And that’s what Desperate offers, insomuch as a book can.

But you all, you have to step out of the pages and into the lives of the women around you. Older moms, we need you to reach out to the newer moms, and newer moms, don’t isolate yourself, it will just about drown you if you do.

I remember when I had my little sweet two and half year old and a one year old and was going crazy trying to find things for them to do, especially during the winter months. The days felt so long and boring, and I needed ideas. Back when I wrote for Like a Warm Cup of Coffee, I wrote about my boredom and asked my readers for their suggestions. Below you will find a mix of their wonderful ideas for the long days along with a few of mine. Here we go!
 

What to Do With Your Toddler During the Long Winter Days

Have them wash dishes (plastic, of course!)

Have them play with cups, bowls, and water!

Bubble milk!

Bubble milk was (and is) a favorite in our house. Just get a cup and put about 1/4 cup of milk into it, set it on a tray, give your babe a straw, and they’ll have fun for a long time. Mix it up by using food coloring to make the milk different colors!

Paint!

Play dress-up!

Go to the science museum!

Do you have a science museum near by? See if you can find a preschool program to attend with your babes!

Bake treats together!

Go for a treasure walk! Look for neat things to take pictures or collect.

Curl up and read together!

Paint some tootsies!

Read a story and act in out!

Play in the snow!

Collect buttons for a button jar!

Kids love buttons, and there are many things they can do with them to have fun! Need ideas? Read this!

Curl up with a good movie!

If you’re a bit on the wild side, you could have them couch jump! Not for the faint of heart.

Play a game!

Sew!

Get your hands on some felt, a plastic needle, yarn, and a hole punch!

The library!

Check out your local library’s kids programs, they usually have many free events for children!

Bubbles!

Plastic bowl play!

Have a spare cabinet? Let it be your child’s and put items in there they can play with!

Build a fort!

Fort Building Ideas:

Use your dining room chairs and put a sheet over them. You can also take a large sheet and drape it over your dining room or other table. Tell the children it is their “fort” for the morning. They can put their toys in there, draw or color (or other age appropriate thing), and have a snack or have a lunch “picnic” in there. You may have to sit on a chair with the “door” open (sheet lifted up) while everyone eats. Usually they can come up with their own play with a special “fort”. Maybe small flashlights? Or special music (do they have their own tape or CD player?) or watch a DVD (if you have a portable DVD player).

Ideas from my readers:

Play music and let the kids go wild dancing – give them instruments as well, even homemade ones.

Put out a pile of big and small pillows or large stuffed animals and let the kids play/wrestle/roll around

Bring out the Christmas movies and Christmas cookies!

Save some housework for them to do like dusting, windows, picking up, etc

Give a quiet time (aside from nap) to sit with his children’s Bible, color Bible pages or listen to Bible songs.

Vary your days: Monday could be movies. Tuesday could be Tent Day (build tents using sheets and your furniture). Wednesday could be Wiggle Days (put on some music and dance!)…etc.

Rotate the toys so it’s like getting something new.

My friend Laura has an awesome list of “It’s 8 a.m. and I’m tired out already!” things to do; Check it out here! It’s really fantastic!

Encouraging Advice:

“Make memories. You do not even have to do anything special to do that. My daughters remember food we ate while watching a movie or reading a book. Just because we were together and their senses were being engaged: yummy smells, soft material, warm towels, classical music playing, dress-up material of all sorts. Don’t worry about entertaining them, just engage them. read, play, make them play without you, give them chores, memorize scripture, have them fold all the wash cloths, give them a water bottle and let them spray the appliances and wash them. Don’t try to do it all, just breathe and do the next thing JOYFULLY.” –Robin Brookshire

“This too shall pass.” -Unknown

“The days are long, but the years are short.” -Unknown

“Give yourself PLENTY of grace; you might as well, God does.” –Laura

Make sure to take pictures so you have some beautiful memories to look back on! Oh, and don’t forget, have fun!

Love, SM

Jesus reached out to His disciples. He saw them, and he called to them, and He invested His life in them.

Titus 2: 3-5 says that older women are to teach the younger women.

I believe that older women should be reaching out to younger women. However, this doesn’t happen as much as younger women would like (busyness, insecurity on the part of an older woman, etc.). I’d like to offer some suggestions for younger women reaching out to older women.

Accept Humanness & Prepare For It

Sally isn’t perfect.

Many people believe that I found the perfect mentor. While it’s true that Sally is quite fitted to me, and she is my friend, advocate, and wise mentor, she’s still human! She struggles with sin just like the rest of us. When looking for a mentor, please don’t try and find someone who has it all together or has done everything right. Find someone who is humble, who loves the Lord, and is who is willing to do life with you. I love Sally because she is my friend, and she invests in my life, and we encourage each other; this is what a mentor does, walks out life with you, encouraging you and teaching you what they’ve learned throughout life. Remember, we all have sinful bents, and it is only Jesus who makes us beautiful and righteous. If you are looking for someone “perfect” you will never find them, or they will let you down. Accept the reality of humaness.

Pray

Yea, yea, I know, this is the obvious one, but it’s obvious for a reason: God hears us. Ask God to bring an older woman into your life. Ask Him who would you fit you as a friend, advocate, mentor, and life-walker.

Be Patient

You don’t have to fall in love with the first woman who asks you to coffee. Get to know them, and see if their is a commonality, a bond, a “clickness”. Don’t rush it.

Approach an Older Woman…or Two

Pay attention to the women around you, particularly in your church, and then one day ask them to come over for a cup of coffee. You don’t have to approach someone and say, “Hi, I’d like you to be my mentor.” Just get to know someone, or a couple someone’s. You’re not looking for undivided attention here, You’re looking for a real life friend, one who will sit with you as your kiddos are running around and needing fed and changed. You might not have a chance to get out for coffee, and that’s okay. A friend will meet you in the middle of your life, babies, cleaning, diapers, conflict, and all!

It’s Okay to Have More Than One Mentor

Sally is my long-distance mentor and friend, and Ginny is my local mentor and friend. I talk to Sally almost every day, and I have tea with Ginny usually once a week. Ginny also surprises me with Chai Latte’s in the morning, or washes my dishes, or makes hats for my kids and doll blankest for their dolls. She loves my children in person, and she cares for me (psst…older women, is there one young mama you can do this for?). I love Sally and Ginny, and both of them are gifts of grace to me from God. And just an FYI, the relationship that Ginny and I have began organically. We went to the same church, but didn’t even know each other. Her husband and my husband met for coffee once a week, and here and there I would talk to Ginny. Very slowly, over  a period of years, we finally get to know each other. It wasn’t until this past year that we really became dear friends. Relationships take time and effort. Make the time, and put in the effort, even if that effort is simply an open door to your life.

Don’t Forget Your Mother

If you have a healthy relationship with your mother, then you have a built-in mentor! Consider yourself blessed and reach out to her. Ask her about her life and her story and her offerings; get to know her anew. A mother who loves you and invests in you and is wise and godly is a gift! Don’t waste it.

Love, SM