In college I cheated on a boyfriend.

More than once.

In fact, one boyfriend told me I should have a big red sign on my forehead that read, “DANGER.”

It’s a wonder I’ve been married for 12 faithful years. By grace alone.

But here is what I want to tell you about what I know about cheating and consequences from a place of experience.

To the Person Who Hasn’t Cheated But Is Considering It

Picture this: Your husband is sitting on the couch and just read the story about Ashley Madison. He looks at you and says, “Have you ever cheated?” Your stomach turns. Your palms begin to sweat. It was just a kiss. At first. Oh God, help me. You smile, a little, out of nerves. His eyes are searching yours now and he knows. “Yes.” You tell him. Your heart is beating wildly and is about to jump out of your chest. He tells you to tell him everything, and through tears you tell him, and you hate yourself in the telling, and he starts crying, and everything is falling apart. One of your kids walks in and asks what’s going on…

You can fill in the blanks from there, just use your imagination. And yes, I’m seriously telling you: use your imagination. Think about the consequence your cheating would bring. Think about the fall-out, the destruction, the look in your children’s eyes. Actually think it through.

It’s not worth it.

So run. Run from temptation. Tell a friend. Talk to your spouse. If there are issues in your marriage and you feel alone and unloved, talk to him, or to her, or to a safe friend or counselor. But don’t go down that treacherous road of adultery. What looks like glitter is shard glass that will cut you up and leave you to bleed.

“…each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.” James 1:14,15

To the Person Who Has Cheated But Hasn’t Told

Walk into the light. For one, you will be free, and for the other, the other person will be free, free to choose whether or not to stay with you. But at least that’s honest and real and there is no hiding.

And speaking of hiding, it is a terrible, lonely, broken place to stay in the dark. Yea, it’s terrible to confess a sin like adultery, but once you do, you’re free. Free to be honest. Free to heal. Free to begin again. The consequences may be painful and heartbreaking, but there will be light and freedom.

In college I was seeing a counselor for my many issues, and in the session I told her about my cheating. She said, “You need to tell him.” I didn’t need to. I could hide. I could pretend. I could cover it all away by “not lying” just “not telling.” And then she said in so many words, “You will never change if you don’t face the consequences of your sin.”

When you face what your sin has done, or could potentially do, you are ready to change.

I went home that day from my counseling session and I told my boyfriend what I had done. He told me to get out, that I was just like my mother, and that I would never change.

It sucked.

And it was painful. But you know what that did? It made me grow up. It made me look directly at my sin and the pain and upheaval and damage it caused. Do you think I ever what to face the consequences of that sin again? Emphatically no.

In fact, the times I have felt tempted, I have pictured what it would be like to look into the eyes of my husband and speak the words, “I cheated on you.” I have imagined looking at my children and explaining to them what I’ve done, or why mommy and daddy are going through such turmoil. I don’t ever want to have to tell my family I cheated.

For All of Us

The sin of adultery lures us in and makes us feel good. We feel wanted and loved and seen and beautiful and chosen. We feel powerful and seductive and we feel like we have no choice over our bodies and our reactions. What deception. The pleasure of sin is fleeting. It feels good for a time, but afterward it wrecks you and those around you.

We Have a Choice

Do not believe the lie that you can’t choose. You can. There is hope for everyone and for all marriages.

There are thousands of couples who have been faithful for years and years and years of marriage. They have integrity and vision and they see that this world is short compared to eternity. They have perspective and wisdom. Whenever I want to give up hope that there can really be faithfulness in marriage, I am reminded of the faithful ones who have gone before me. My in-laws. Sally and Clay Clarkson. Dave and Cathy Bowman, to name three off the top of my head. They’ve all been married 30 or more faithful years.

And I’m reminded of myself. Yes, me, the once cheater who did change because a wise counselor taught me to face the truth and the pain, and because I cling to a God of grace who at every turn has given a way out.

If You Need a Way Out

Call a friend. Tell your spouse. Get out the secret before it gives birth to a full-fledge affair. It will be hard, and maybe embarrassing, and it might hurt for a time, but it will save you.

You are not alone in your temptations, but you do have a choice. A choice to run away, a choice to tell, a choice to be free.

There is always hope, and there is always a way out.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.” -Tim Keller

With love, SM

Dear me,

So…yea. Let’s talk about your kitchen.

Yes, I know, it’s summer and the blue skies and pool water are calling your name. I get it. I do. Your kids are able to swim on their own and you can actually lounge in the pool chair and read a book. Several, in fact. Lovely.

However, back to the kitchen. You do realize you haven’t cleaned it, really cleaned it, since summer began? I mean, honey, that’s just nasty. And because I care about you and saving your face, we won’t even talk about the showering situation. But for real, you need an intervention. Enough with the plastic cups and paper plates. Wash your stinking dishes! K? K.

The kids rooms. We both know they are old enough to clean them. You have taught them, and they have been fairly steady with the cleaning regimen during the school year. WHAT HAS HAPPENED?! Why do you not make them clean consistently in the summer? Are you just giving up? Don’t do that. Remember what you always say, KEEP ON.

Your bedroom. FOR THE LOVE. We can’t. Let’s just not even go there. When you have to tell your children not to step on something as they climb in bed with you in the mornings, yea, Sarah, that’s bad.

Here’s what I’m really trying to say: TAKE A DAY OFF FROM THE POOL AND GET YOUR HOUSE TOGETHER. Seriously. You have a book coming out in April on cleaning. Your in-laws are totally right when they say you are profiting off your disability. I know, I hear you, you speak in solidarity of those who aren’t awesome at cleaning. But I mean, come on. You resorted to wearing your husbands T-shirt to the 4th of July pool sleepover because YOU HAD NO CLEAN LAUNDRY.

It’s time, friend. It’s time to step away from the pool. And the reading of great books. It’s time to make dinner and not get another pizza for takeout.

I love you, I do. I’m telling you all these things because I care. And your husband needs his T-shirts (stop wearing them!).

Also, go shower.

Love, the sane side of yourself

Three years ago I was in a fog of temptation.

I was having a hard time in my marriage, and I started flirting with another man. By the grace of God, and by what I believe was Him providing a way out of the temptation, my husband asked me if I ever thought about cheating on him.

I told him I had thought about it.

It was his question, that had arisen after reading the book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough, that led to us having one of the best, most honest conversations of our marriage. And after that conversation, it was as though I was shakin’ out of the fog. My eyes were opened and the temptation was gone. Light had pierced the dark.

But ya’ll, I could have fallen astonishingly.

“She did not consider her future. Therefore she has fallen astonishingly…” Lamentations 1:9

Now another story…

About four years ago I was slandered by someone who believed things about me that were not true. Instead of talking to me about her misconceptions, she talked to others. There are people out there now who believe what she said and will always have a bad view of me. At the time this was going on, I was angry, and confused, and completely taken off guard. I tried to contact the person to clarify; no response. This was a fellow believer, and yet she would not talk to me about the offenses she believed I committed. I considered taking to my blog to defend myself. I’m sure I got a little passive aggressive on Twitter. I did write a general post about slander. But at the end of the day, after much prayer and wise counsel I decided to keep quiet and let the Lord be my defender. Nothing came of it and life moved on.

“Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.” Proverbs 20:22

Why am I telling you about these things? Because nearly every day I see the church being taken down in one form or another. I see leaders falling, and I see people accusing, and I see real offenses committed, and I see potential slander. But above all I see that there is a big target on the church, the people of God, by a real enemy who wants to take us down. And I know that sometimes we take ourselves down, because it almost happened to me. And I know that none of us gets a pass when it comes to temptation, and some of us have fallen astonishingly. I also know there are wicked people who do wicked things and call themselves Christians. If only there was no sin, so confusion, no falling, no hiding.

But there is something we can do. There are some things we can do. Here is a start…

Pray for Those in Leadership

I am sometimes guilty of pettiness, gossip, and jealousy. I see certain leaders, and instead of being forthem, I take offense, I disagree on certain things, and I sometimes think and talk badly about them. Any choice morsel will do. But by the grace of God, no more. I will be for those who bear witness to Christ, especially those in leadership.

Together, we can pray for leaders and encourage them and believe the best about them. Let’s pray for them to stay low, to be humble, to be wise and to put that wisdom to action; and let’s pray that they will be delivered from temptation. We can pray that they will be encouraged daily to keep on, to keep their eyes on Him, and to live above reproach by faith, grace, humility, and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Give the Benefit of the Doubt

When we read or hear something about someone, let’s not automatically believe it. Let’s do our research, ask the Lord for clarity and wisdom, and give the person the benefit of the doubt until we find out if they are guilty. Let’s not gossip. And when we do, because we have untamable tongues, let’s ask for forgivingness and begin again.

“Treat others the way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31

Be Above Reproach

The enemy wants to take us down.

As believers, and particularly those of us in leadership, we must be above reproach. We must be on guard, on alert, and walking with our eyes wide open. The enemy is just waiting for an opportunity to devour us. And devour he will, and in this inter-connected age, nearly nothing will be kept hidden.

Begin Again

I always say this, and I’ll say it a million more times: we can begin again.

So you messed up. Okay, get up, ask forgiveness, get low, and move forward. It will be a waste of your life to stay in shackles because of your sin. Repent. Start over. Live a quiet life if need be. But again and again He gives us mornings and mercy to begin new.

It is never too late to make your fall a fall to the knees.

And friends, pray for me? Pray for me to be humble and wise and to resist temptation and to be above reproach? I always want to stay low.

Love, SM

I have been let in on a great secret.

Maybe it’s not a secret, but it was unknown to me until I actually tried it. My Ella, avid reader that she is, was always picking books at the library that were of the Geronimo Stilton sort. Fun, but in a candy-appetite sort of way. Sure, she was reading, and I always encourage reading, but Sally pointed out to me that just like our diets, what we feed our minds daily is important in being healthy. If my girl always reads “candy books”, her mind would be engaged, but not necessarily strong. Plus, what we consume frequently we tend to have an appetite for. I want my children to crave the good things. I also want her to learn about history and interesting people and science and so much more through “living books” and the wide world around us.

All to say, the secret…

It is, the book basket. And specifically, it looks like this: A basket by the bed filled with a biography, a history (can be historical fiction), a science/nature, a classic literature, and a fun book.

There it is, that’s it. That is what my girl has been cycling through the last few months, and it has been the greatest asset in nurturing her mind. Whenever we go to the library (usually every two weeks), she must pick at least five books on those topics. Of course she brings home more books to read, but those are the requirements. And friends, she is not only becoming an excellent reader, I know she is developing a strong mind. Her vocabulary is vast and her knowledge of historical events and people is growing weekly. And all through story and interesting texts.

People often ask me what I use for curriculum. Mostly, the library. We read. We read good, living books on a variety of subjects. We talk about them, and then we look up more information on what we’ve learned if we’ve become curious. We have a few other texts here and there, mainly for math and mapping, but our go-to is the library.

But how, you might ask, do you get your children to read the five books?

Rewards of course!  My children get to pick a special experience if they read a certain number of books. My nine year old has to read 50 chapter books (or, if they are science or biography, they can be 30 pages depending). Her choice of reward? Hershey park with her dad! My son, who has struggled with reading, also has to read 50, but they are of the BOB book variety. His choice? A night out with me in a hotel. Yes, these are expensive items, but they have to read quite a bit to earn the reward. They keep track by keeping a poster in their room and they put a sticker on it for each book they read. It has been a great success! Now listen, I didn’t come up with any of these ideas; I got them from Sally Clarkson. If you’re not following her, you must. She’s lovely and gracious and wise and has done the work in raising her children well. I love her so and you will too.

If you want more ideas, or book recommendations, pick up Read for the Heart: Whole Books for WholeHearted Families by Sarah Clarkson (Sally’s daughter). It is wonderful, and is filled with practical advice for encouraging your children to read.

And just for fun, you must run right now and get your hands on the deeply touching book, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane. It is one of the best books I have ever read. The kids and I were hooked; we couldn’t put it down. It is an exceptional work by Kate DiCamillo.

I remember the morning I sat up in my bed and thought, “If something doesn’t change, I’m not going to make it.”

Life had become like water. I couldn’t catch it; it just kept slipping through my fingers. I felt so behind, so robotic, so stuck. Why couldn’t I change? Why couldn’t I get myself together? Why couldn’t I do the things I wanted to do?

I just felt tired and overwhelmed, and many days, defeated.

But that morning in my bed, I decided I wanted to live; I didn’t just want to go through the motions.

And it was that day I purposed to wake up to my own life and choose it. No one was going to do it for me. Whatever it was that clicked in me that morning made me see that I didn’t want to regret my life. I didn’t want to look back one day and see that I missed it.

It’s such a funny thing when you become a mom. You lose yourself to it in the most beautiful way. You give of yourself, you sacrifice, and it’s good and you wouldn’t change it. But then one day you wake up and you think, “Who am I now?” You have to figure out a new normal. You’re you, but you’re different. So this waking up I was doing was more then just getting out of a funk; it was figuring out a new way to live in this mother-self-skin.

“Daily life is very seductive. Weeks go by and we forget who we are.”

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

I committed to making small changes over a period of several months in order to wake up to my life. I experimented with myself, trying all sorts of things having to do with self-discipline, diet, mothering, spiritual depth, figuring out who I was (and accepting myself), and learning to serve out of who God created me to be. I basically boot-camped my own life. And it worked. It woke me up.

I haven’t shared too much about here, but overtime I will. But what I want to share with you today are the two initial things that changed the course of my life: 1.) I chose to live, and 2.) I fought for it.

Choosing to Live

I literally had to say out loud, “I’m going to choose to live my life.”

It was a light bulb moment for me to awaken to the fact that I could choose my life. That God, in His kindness, gave us minds and hearts and guts and bodies to be able to choose how we want to live; He gave us the ability to think and make decisions and act on them. It seems so obvious, right? But life does this thing to you sometimes where you just feel like you have no choice, like you just have to roll where the waves take you.

I know now that’s not entirely true.

We might not be able to change our personalities or our circumstances, but we can make daily decisions that affect our whole life. We can choose to say and believe that we were made for more than a mediocre, just-get-by existence. We are made to live and live fully; a half-dead people cannot be effective in the Kingdom, but a fully-alive people? Watch out. Life calls forth life, and if you are alive, you can call forth life in others. 

I am choosing to live because it matters. It matters to God, it matters to my family, and it matters to me. I want to enjoy life, and God, and His people, and the glory all around me. And when I do that, I am in a soul-alive place where I can help others. Yea, it matters.

But you have to choose it or life will pull you under.

Choosing to Fight

Once I chose, I had to face the reality that it wasn’t going to come easy. I was going to have to fight. I had to make plans, and begin again and again.

And again.

Because my plans fail and because my body sometimes fails, and my hormones course through me and make me crazy. But I keep on. I’m fighting. I have a vision to live and enjoy and be delighted in and bring God’s Kingdom to bear on this earth in creative ways. So yea, it’s imperfect, but it’s faithful. It’s something. It’s slow and steady, one day at a time. I will live today.

And when I can’t fight, when I’m feeling battle worn, He fights for me. And He will fight for you.

He sees our broken places; He doesn’t forget.

You are not alone, and I am not alone. We are in a sisterhood, together, and together we can make it.

“It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.”

Victor Hugo

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10

Love, SM