I had this idea in my head that if I quit for a year I would not only be happy and content as a homemaker and homeschoolin’ mama, but that I would excel at it.

Turns out, I don’t excel at homemaking (understatement of the year if we’re talking about cleaning), and I while I love homeschooling my kiddos, I’m not awesome at it. Or maybe I am. You’ll have to ask my kids in a few years.

As for happy and content? Mostly. But only mostly.

Because it turns out, there is this color that God put in me that I can’t stuff away or make black and white. This color in my soul that lights me up (and Lord willing, glorifies Him) when I let it out. What is this color? It is the color of my personality and my gifts and what God put inside me before the creation of the world so that I would be a part of bringing God’s Kingdom to bear on this earth.

That’s right, good works given to me to do in advance, which I can only assume correlate with how He made me because I am compelled to do them. Or, said in another way, how He made me can be used in the good works He’s planned for me. And since I’m clay and He’s the potter, I’m going with it!

I’m accepting who I am and the color God gave me because I believe when I am fully me He is fully glorified.

What does this mean practically?

It means that I will have anchors in place to help me keep focused on my time with God, my home and my family and living out of who God made me to be (which, incidentally, fills my soul. God is so kind). Some of my anchors include: Journaling, praying, and scripture reading sometime in the morning before the day gets carried away. Bible reading with my kiddos (curled up on the couch all snugly), chores and school, and then COLOR (soul-time!), and then life and then tea time with reading (comfy pillows and snacks; my kids love this), more life and daily living and COLOR and then dinner and life and bedtime reading in my bed with the babes cozied up around me. Then, BEDTIME, which equals (once the babes are actually in bed) COLOR!

Mostly, I am just living life by holding on tight to grace and begging God for Holy Spirit power to help me get the days done well and with fun (fun is so good for souls). When I get the anchors in, there is so much more freedom in my heart to do other things, like write and speak.

And so I don’t forget, I have to say that one of the good works that God prepared in advance for me to do is to mother my children! That is a good work! And I am thankful to have the opportunity to use the color God gave me to do just that: love and raise my babies. Isn’t that encouraging knowing that our good works are sometimes right in front of us?

There is, of course, so much to say about all of this, and I do! I say it in my new book, which doesn’t come out until August! Ha! Sorry. More on that later. 

So here I am, doing my best to trust God with all of it, make wise decisions, and just enjoy who I am. Probably what most of you are trying to do as well. So glad for that. It’s wonderful not go at this life alone.

“Listen to the rhythm of your own timing.” -Tales of the Kingdom

Love, SM

I’m a jumper.

I get an idea, and I’m all, “Yes! Right now, I’m going to do this!” And then life happens, and I don’t. Or I do, and life happens, and oh shoot I shouldn’t have done that. 

I have failed so many times do this one very wise, very practical thing: count the cost.

I remember calling Sally up a couple of years ago with one of my brilliant ideas and telling her we should go for it and we should start right away. Sally, in her wise and gracious and mothering way said, “Have you counted the cost? I have to think about.”

What? Count the cost? But it’s a great idea, and someone needs to do it!

We never did it, whatever it was. I don’t even remember.

Then I had a friend of mine challenge me by saying, “Why do you always have to fill your plate as soon as you take something off it?” Huh. Good question.

It was these two women that started the pondering over the decisions I made and my inability to just be.

Right before I took my year off, I was going to start a new website. My husband and I made plans, bought domains, and dreamed together. During this time I was also stressed with all I was doing. I was writing a book, homeschooling, helping with a conference, blogging, and…I don’t even remember. But because I was no longer the owner of the conference, I thought, I can do this whole new thing! The problem was, the reason I stopped doing the conference was because it was too much and my life was being sucked away from me. So what did I do? Add something new that would have been almost as stressful and life-draining!

I didn’t do the site. I decided to go slower when it came to making decisions.

And then, in January, I decided to take a whole year off to think and pray and get some things straight. Which, by the way, was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

During that year, the lesson about counting the cost was further ingrained in my heart.

Counting the Cost is Wise and Practical

I only had one thing to do that was required of me and was outside my home: finish my book.

I had walked away from everything else: blogging, helping with the conference, and speaking. But I had to finish the book that the gracious folks at Tyndale had contracted me to write nearly THREE YEARS AGO. No pressure. And let me tell you, writing a book takes so much of me, on top of the fact that I’m a slow as molasses writer when it comes to writing books. Also, there’s the ADD thing. 50,000 words on the same topic? I think not. I write too slowly and my mind moves on before I’ve given myself to the depth.

But I’m learning and growing in this area, sticking with something in order to go deeper with it.

Let’s just say that the second half of this past year was very stressful as I was working to finish the never-ending, completely evolving elusive book. December was particularly difficult because I pretty much rewrote the whole thing in a month. I thought I was going to die.

Why am I telling you this? Because I have learned so much about my capacity, what gives me life and what drains it, and the importance of knowing how to be a women of integrity. All of this has to do with counting the cost.

At this point in my life, I don’t have a super capacity. I must choose carefully where I spend my time and give my energy. I have to know what gives me life and what takes it away. I need to count the cost to see if going forward makes sense for who I am, my family, and my time. It is for this reason that I will not write another book unless two things happen: 1.) God fills my well with a story that I am to share and have the depth needed to share it (integrity in writing), and 2.) I have the time and capacity to write it well. At this point, after my newest one releases in August, don’t count on me putting out another 50,000 word book for a few (or more) years. eBooks I’m good with. Long books, not so much.

Caveat: I am extremely thankful and excited to share with you all the book that I have written, that is truly from the well God has filled. I believe so much in the message, and I’m praying you will be encouraged and inspired to keep on in this life as you taste and see the goodness of the Lord right where you are. 

I have also learned that I love blogging; it gives me life! When I blog for the joy of it and to encourage others, it fills my soul. I also love encouraging women through the use of video; my communication style is really speaking because you can hear my voice and tone and see my expressions and I just love that. This is the color in me that God gave and it is a joy to live it out.

But I also have these precious people in my home that get to come first. I have my husband who is my partner and we choose our life together. It isn’t about me or him, it’s about us. So we move forward together. And then there is my children, my precious little souls who I have the responsibility of raising and teaching and discipling. Motherhood is a heavy, beautiful, intricate gift and it requires much of me. Oh yes, if I can’t be there for my children to minister to them first, what’s the point? I will have no integrity to teach. So I’ll count the cost before saying yes to outside opportunities (Jesus, help me for I am prone to wander). I’ll weigh everything, alongside my husband, in order to discern what is good and wise. We will count the cost.

And then there’s the neighborhood that God put me in. The people here matter to me. I want to invest where I am.

All this to say, is that I have some plans, some slowly thought-over, counting the cost plans that I will share with you in another post (as this one is getting to be too long already).

But know this, I have learned some painful lessons by not counting the cost, and Lord willing, I won’t make those mistakes again.

Love, SM

It’s a wonder how fast a year goes.

When I made the decision last January to take a year off from the public life, I made it because I felt a heaviness at the thought of regretting my life. More specifically, regretting my mothering years. I wanted to make sure I gave my best to the people God had directly put in my care; I needed to step back and take time off in order to get my priorities in order and to rest and be fully with my family.

And while this year was full of togetherness and intention and rest, it was also full of so much more. I’d love to share some of those things with you. Today I share part 1.

We Are Not the Providers, God Is

After telling my husband that I decided to quit for a year, we both had to face the reality that our lives were going to change because our income would be significantly reduced. But we would be fine because we have always lived off of his income (for the most part) and he had a steady job that brought home the bacon. We might not be able to afford the extras, but we’d make it.

Plus, getting de-stressed, being able to focus on mothering and homeschooling and homemaking, and supporting my husband as he uncovered and pursued some of his God-given longings was worth it to me.

And then came August.

My husband took a HUGE jump of faith and did something my steady, rock of a husband said he’d never do: he went self-employed.

That’s right, he quit his secure, health-insurance paying job and decided to follow the stirring in his heart. But it wasn’t a selfish thing, it was an offering from the Lord for my husband to begin again. You’ll learn more about his story and our adventure of faith in my upcoming book, but for now I want to focus on the fact that we now had no steady income.

Oh, my husband is wise and he was careful before leading our family on this new adventure, but as it is with self-employment, guarantees are much less to come by.

But bills add up and expenses increase (hello health insurance) and life gets a little tighter.

As my husband’s stress level increased, my natural inclination to rescue kicked in. I can earn the money, I can help us, I will make things better.

Except that not only did I not feel the freedom in my heart to jump in and rescue, the times I tried seemed thwarted. On top of that, any trickling income I did have had all but disappeared. And there it was, in the quiet of my heart: wait on the Lord and trust Him for your needs.

The Lord would provide for us. I didn’t need to rescue.

And you know, even during the hardest times when no work was in sight, we were okay, we always had enough. And work would show up last minute.

Through this experience, we have learned so much about depending on and trusting in the Lord for our needs. At one point, to encourage us, the Lord brought a timely word from George Müller, and it was this:

“My dear brother, it is not your work that supports your family, but the Lord.”

It is God who takes care of us, no matter what happens to us financially or otherwise. He is kind and good and cares for us. Further more, it has been cemented in my heart that the Lord’s love language is not money. If we were to lose everything, we’d be okay, because we have Him.

So this year, I learned in a deeper way that the Lord is our provider, and we can trust Him as we walk by faith in this journey.

A year for sure.

Maybe longer. Maybe 10.

My sweet Ella will turn 18 in 10 years.

My boy will be 16, and my Care will be nearly 15. I will be 43.

These are the years I have to teach, train, influence, and disciple my babies. And once these years are gone, they’re gone. I will never get them back.

See, I don’t just want to get by in mothering; I want to mother with clarity and intention, seeking to raise Kingdom-minded children who will, Lord willing, go into the world with strength, and courage, and integrity, and faithfulness and a resolve to be light wherever God leads them. This doesn’t just happen, it takes hard work and time. And I don’t want to miss my chance.

Here’s what I’m saying: I quit.

I quit the public life for awhile.

I had a dream this past weekend, and in it I was yelling at my children, and then crying out of guilt, and then my daughter walked away. And the feeling was that it was too late, and I felt the full weight of regret all over. And it hurt bad. I woke up terrified that that dream was a future feeling I would have if I didn’t change course.

And so this is about faith and obedience and the offer of a gift.

Over the weekend I heard Sally talk about the “hidden years” where she did the work and raised her kids before God used her publicly. Something about that phrase, “the hidden years” stuck with me.

I think hidden years are a gift from God where we can privately grow in faithfulness, integrity and wisdom in preparation for the years where we will have opportunity to teach and influence others. Sally said to me years ago, “We need women who are willing to do the work in their homes, raising their children now so they have something to say later.” This isn’t about working women or stay-at-home moms, it’s about doing the hard work of teaching and training and growing so that we have something of substance to say and teach later. I hear wisdom in that statement, and I want it.

I want to teach and influence and encourage moms one day, but I don’t just want to relate with them, I want to have something of substance to offer them that will help them practically. I want to be a woman of integrity who will speak from the experience of a mom who did the hard work of bringing up her children with intention and faithfulness.

I just don’t want to compromise.

There are so many voices out there that will give permission to compromise in motherhood, and it is alluring and it sounds really good, but I can’t. I am all in to go after my children’s hearts and their behavior. I want to love them practically; I want them to have me available.

I also see a wisdom principle for those who will teach found in 1 Timothy 3:4-5 –

“He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?)…”

Yes, this scripture is out of context as it’s about an overseer or elder in the church. But the principle as I see is that someone who will be influencing and teaching others should have their own home in order. It has to do with integrity and faithfulness.

My home is not in order. Oh, it’s not bad, but my kiddos are little and are in the training years and I have much work to do (plus I homeschool); I cannot be distracted. This is my life, and my kids lives, and how they will interact with the world (I want them to make an impact!). Raising my children well is really important to me. I know there are no guarantees on how they will turn out, but I don’t want to look back on my life one day and know that I didn’t give it my all.

Jesus discipled 12 men day in and day out; he taught them and loved them and did life with them. He has modeled for me what I can do for my children.

Also, this is my calling. I am 100% called to be a mom, and so I want to walk fully and faithfully into my calling. And when I do that, when I mother well (albeit quite imperfectly) I lay my head down at night and experience peace instead of regret or guilt. It is the best feeling ever.

Okay, so does that mean that I can’t write? I don’t think that’s what it means, and I’m not interested in telling others what they should or shouldn’t do. God has offered me, I believe, the opportunity to have the hidden years. I believe He has also asked me to stop writing publicly for a season, and so this is obedience.

That season is at least a year.

And that’s really hard for me, because I love being here and writing and encouraging you all as you encourage me in return. However, my hands are up and this is faith. I trust God with my life and my words and everything. Truth be told, I’m really looking forward to seeking His face more intimately this year as I pursue Him and His Word more diligently.

I will continue to write privately, and I do have a book coming out spring or summer of 2015 (published by Tyndale). It’s about waking up to your own life and really living it, and not regretting it (so fitting right now!). The book is about a journey I embarked on to get unstuck and enjoy my life. It has been a delight to write and I look forward to sharing it with you. If you want to be notified when the book is available, you can click HERE to subscribe to this blog as I will post about it when it is available. I’ll also be updating my Facebook page from to time.

Well ya’ll, I guess that’s it.

Thank you for being faithful readers and encouragers to me. You all are a gift.

See you in a year (or 10).

Love,

Sarah Mae

Well.

I have thought about it several times, about getting rid of our T.V. But then I come to my senses and think about all the times that T.V. has saved me from going crazy by putting it on for the babes.

Also, we have movie night every week.

And I like watching movies with my husband.

And, did I mention it’s saved me a time or two from going crazy?

Yet, I thought about it. I thought, “What if…”

Could it be better for our kids if we didn’t have it?

Could it be better for my husband and I if we didn’t have it?

Could I end up in a mental institution without a T.V. break for the kids?

All valid questions.

Then my husband, about a month ago, says, “Why don’t we just get rid of our T.V.?”

And I was all, “Um, no…I need it, just in case, you know? Plus I like watching movies with you and having family movie night.”

I didn’t want to get rid of the T.V., but I was willing to try a week without T.V., except for movie night.

And we did it, we went a week without T.V. and it was…easy. The kids only asked to watch it once or twice, and when I said it was no T.V. week they found something else to do. They got creative. They used their imaginations. They were fine. And I was fine.

Huh.

But then we went back to watching it, because it was easy, and so accessible.

Fast forward to today.

We were driving to the library and I put in a tape about Beethoven: stories of his life and bits of his music throughout. We all enjoyed listening to it. What struck me was this: I wonder if Beethoven had T.V. if he would have realized his gift at such a young age…or even at all. I wonder if we would have his brilliant compositions if he had a T.V.? And then I thought, “I wonder how many children in my kids generation will never fulfill or discover their potential if they are too “busy” watching T.V.? How many gifts are we missing out on because kids aren’t “bored” enough to tinker and explore and think and create?”

I shared my thoughts with my husband and he said, “Let’s just get rid of it.”

And so we are.

I’m not going to lie, I’m a little panicked. It’s a crutch for me when I’m tired and I want the kids to be occupied.

But what I want more, is for my kids to use their imaginations and maybe, just maybe, discover some unexplored talent. Maybe I want them to be bored. Maybe I want to get uncomfortable so I can invest more into them, and maybe have a game night instead of a movie night.

Maybe.

Because….

What if?

Taking a deep breath and remembering that people lived without T.V. for hundreds of years,

Sarah Mae